So, despite the fervor of this historic presidential election, you still can’t see yourself getting behind any of the declared candidates?
Try as you might, you have no idea how you’ll vote Tuesday? We have a solution.
Write-in candidates.
Not the predictable collection of cartoon characters, sports mascots and recently deceased celebrities that inevitably surfaces in ballot boxes. Instead we offer a roll of underappreciated, underconsidered, underqualified folks who undoubtedly could do only slightly worse than our current commander-in-grief — would-be leaders who might just pep up the electorate if enough of us recklessly join together in sending one of them to Washington. Some of them could probably even locate it on a map.
Consider these alternatives.
Sylvester Stallone
Synthetically enhanced soldier of fortune, now in theaters
Rambo faces his most daunting challenge yet … Medicare Part D.
Angelina Jolie
Hollywood starlet, working mother and global humanitarian
Advocates immigration reforms, allowing anyone into the U.S. provided they take the name “Jolie-Pitt.”
Mark Cuban
Billionaire NBA owner, rumored to be interested in buying the Cubs
U.S. government clearly not first choice of chronically underachieving bodies he’d like to lead.
50 Cent
Multiplatinum-selling rapper
Moniker derived from breakdown in country’s retirement system — projections show this is how much each working American will collect in lifetime Social Security benefits.
John Madden
Football commentator, video-game pitchman
In truest form of democracy, would have all citizens control government from their homes via TV or computer for annual flat tax of $69.95.
Roger Clemens
Major League Baseball pitcher
Combines new knowledge of congressional affairs with firm grasp on modern government-sanctioned audio surveillance tactics; background in pharmaceuticals?
O.J. Simpson
Heisman Trophy winner and NFL Hall of Famer
Extensive experience in legal system; if not nominated, vows to spend the summer trying to find the real candidates.
Howie Mandel
Comedian, game-show host
Associate of shady banking system guarantees exhaustive probe into U.S. operations in Iraq. Deal, or no deal? Open the case.
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[ Rob Manker is a RedEye special contributor.]
