Our panelists are not all-stars or NASCAR drivers, but they are amateurs.
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TOPIC 1: WHAT WOULD BE YOUR SIGNATURE MOVE IN A DUNK CONTEST?
JIMMY: The 360-degree reverse hairpiece.
TRACY: Between-the-legs slam, a.k.a. the “Rider” after master dunker Isiah Rider.
LEO: The “No Country for Old Men”–shatter the backboard with pressurized oxygen.
SCOTT: I’d make the milk splash, but the cookie wouldn’t break.
BRIAN: “The Escalator.” I actually take an escalator up to the rim so I can dunk.
TOPIC 2: WHERE DOES THE NBA RANK IN ALL SPORTS’ ALL-STAR FESTIVITIES?
JIMMY: Every sport is tied for last.
TRACY: Closer to Smash Mouth than to my blue-suede Converse. The NBA is foul.
LEO: If it’s good this year it just might edge out the Blue-Gray Football Classic.
SCOTT: A few less than amateur rodeo on ESPN2.
BRIAN: It’s above hockey by default but below the World Series of Poker.
TOPIC 3: WHAT’S YOUR NASCAR NICKNAME?
JIMMY: Bourbon Hooker Jr.
TRACY: Formula Pun.
LEO: McSpitty McGee.
SCOTT: Mr. Twist and Turn.
BRIAN: Brian “Lawn” Moore. Don’t ask.
TOPIC 4: HOW DO YOU CHOOSE BETWEEN THE DAYTONA 500 AND THE NBA ALL-STAR GAME?
JIMMY: You support a constitutional amendment banning both.
TRACY: There are no Bricks in the 500, but there are many pants party invites.
LEO: You have to go with the event where competitors relieve themselves in their suits. NBA it is!
SCOTT: Easy. I pretend I don’t care about the NBA. Oh, wait …
BRIAN: Easy. I’ll pick the one that actually means something. Hint: It’s not the NBA.
TOPIC 5: WHAT’S ONE THING YOU EXPECT FROM THE CUBS OR SOX IN SPRING TRAINING?
JIMMY: 7,323 media reports that both teams “look good.”
TRACY: Talk of strikes shifts to Chicago. I hope these shows don’t go away midseason.
LEO: I expect the Sox to emerge as a serious, serious threat to take third in the AL Central.
SCOTT: Nothing.
BRIAN: No less than three torn rotator cuffs and six strained knee ligaments.
