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Jimmy Greenfield, Phillip Thompson, Leo Ebersole, Tracy Swartz, Brian Moore
1. THE BUCS HAD BRIAN GRIESE ONCE AND CUT HIM. WHY TRADE WITH THE BEARS TO GET HIM BACK?
JIMMY: To instantly give themselves a better QB than any the Bears have.
PHIL: One Bear’s junk is a Buccaneer’s treasure.
LEO: Jeff Garcia needs someone to go to Denny’s with.
TRACY: Break up remorse or a QBooty call?
BRIAN: Because their quarterbacks suck worse than ours and they’re desperate.
2. BOSTON MAY SEND HANK STEINBRENNER A RED SOX NATION MEMBERSHIP CARD. WHAT CAN HE DO WITH IT?JIMMY: Use it as a Get Out Of Jail card next time he’s arrested in Boston.
PHIL: I’m sure it will come with instructions on where to insert it.
LEO: Step 1: Shred it. Step 2: Burn the sheddings. Step 3: Give Keith Richards the ashes to snort.
TRACY: Keep it away from his wallet. The Red Sox are already bleeding him dry.
BRIAN: He’ll somehow use it to lure all major free agents to New York, yet still not win a World Series.
3. ESPN WILL PARTNER WITH DISNEY TO MAKE SPORTS-THEMED MOVIES. SUCH AS?JIMMY: “101 Steroid Users.”
PHIL: “The Bermanator.” A cyborg sportscaster goes back, back, back in time to annihilate mankind with cliches.
LEO: John Kruk in “The Globfather.”
TRACY: “The Punchback of Notre Dame”: The Fightin’ Irish finally come out swinging (against ITT Tech).
BRIAN: “Knight Life.” The touching story of Bob Knight and the basketball players he’s choked over the years.
4. PUT A $102 MILLION CONTRACT IN TERMS THE AVERAGE PERSON CAN UNDERSTAND.JIMMY: You could buy 204 million Ramen noodles.
PHIL: If a human hair follicle costs a dollar, Jimmy could finally afford the “Barry Melrose.”
LEO: It’s enough to rename Wrigley Field “Trixie Land.”
TRACY: Tyra Banks’ annual contribution to the Whig Party. It’s easy to follow her tracks.
BRIAN: Your whole household will most likely not earn that much in your entire lifetime.
5. A YOUTUBE VIDEO SHOWS KOBE THROWING A TOWEL IN A LADY’S FACE. WHY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
JIMMY: Habit.
PHIL: He was trying to reenact Mean Joe Greene’s famous Coca-Cola ad, but just the mean part of it.
LEO: Relax. It’s nothing she can’t get a diamond ring out him for.
TRACY: He’s throwing in the towel because it’s better to earn out than fade away.
BRIAN: That’s what [bleeping] jerks do
