Dear Amy: Some of us in my poker group are concerned about a friend of ours.
I’ll call him, “Mr. Average Nice Guy.” He is settled into midlife with wife, kids, dog and house.
In the distant past, he had problems with controlled substances and has in the recent past been on prescription medication for depression.
He shows up at poker night with a sizable quantity of illicit drugs, and he gets bent out of shape when nobody else wants to partake.
We are put off by this behavior and have said so, but our concern seems to fall on deaf ears.
He insists he just wants to blow off a little steam and that he can’t do that stuff at home.
Is this a midlife crisis?
Should we intervene and, if so, how?
Should we dis-invite him from gatherings in the hopes he gets the message? Tattle to his wife? Mind our own business?
— Just Playing Cards in L.A.
Dear Just Playing: I’m not sure your friend is really “Mr. Average Nice Guy” wrestling with a midlife crisis. To me, he seems more like “Mr. Not So Average Guy With a Huge Problem.”
I’m not sure why it is so hard to say, “Friend, you can’t bring your controlled substances into my house. We’re here to play poker and do the guy thing, not watch you get high.” Addicts don’t do well with subtle hints. Your friend will not “get the message” if he can avoid it.
If you and your friends choose to intervene, you should speak with one voice to say, “We care about you, we’re worried about you and we know you need help.”
You cannot force your friend into treatment, but you have some knowledge of his demons. You can offer your friendship and express your concern.
You should let his wife know that he is using drugs. This isn’t “tattling”; this is expressing your knowledge and concern to the person in his life who has the most at stake.
Dear Amy: I have been wondering why it is so hard to get my parents to write down their stories before it is too late.
They are in their late 70s and not in great health.
— Wondering
Dear Wondering: For non-writers, writing anything down can be intimidating. Even for writers, writing can be the death of inspiration.
You could help your folks by interviewing them and taping the sessions.
You can start by asking them to tell stories you’ve heard many times before. You can ask them to tell the story of how they met, for instance.
Then you can work backward by asking them open-ended questions about their earlier life.
Don’t try to do too much in any one session — this history should spool out over several meetings. Your parents will think and talk in between meetings; they will also remember things they thought they had forgotten.
I love your instinct to get your folks to write their history. The process can be as illuminating as the result.
For inspiration and instruction on how to assist your folks in telling their unique story, check the National Story Corps Project’s Web site: storycorps.net.
Dear Amy: I am responding to “Concerned Mom,” whose in-laws insisted on allowing a dog who is a known biter to come into contact with their infant grandson.
Dogs and children of any age should never be left unsupervised.
Under no circumstances should that dog be in the same room with the child, unless the dog is in a crate or behind a barrier.
Dogs and Storks is a national program that helps families prepare dogs for the changes in household routine and the new noises and smells that come with the newest family member.
Dogs are mainly socialized in the first six months of the dog’s life, at which time there should be zero tolerance of dog’s teeth on anyone’s skin.
All dogs can benefit from obedience classes.
— Linda, Dogs and Storks Presenter
Dear Linda: I know some people who could benefit from obedience classes too.
The Web address for Dogs and Storks is dogsandstorks.com.
Thank you.
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Ask Amy appears Monday through Saturday in Tempo and Sunday in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
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