The Suns beat the Spurs on Sunday, but overall they’ve been struggling mightily since Shaq arrived in the desert. Explain yourself, mighty Shaqtus!
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Shaqtus
Leo Ebersole
Brian Moore
TOPIC 1: CHRIS DUHON MISSED A SHOOTAROUND AFTER ATTENDING THE UNC-DUKE GAME. PUNISHMENT?
Five years hard labor at
$4 million per.
They should bench him and rarely let him play. And … done.
I’ll give him 40 lashes, barehanded, err, barelimbed. Barebranched? Whatever. It’ll hurt.
For the rest of the season he must attend practice in a UNC Speedo.
Forced to sit on the bench wearing a dunce cap. What? Isn’t the millions they make incentive enough?
TOPIC 2: AARON RODGERS SAYS ‘I’M NOT BRETT FAVRE.’ THEN WHO IS HE?
A punching bag.
He’s really Buck Rogers! At least that’s what I think Packers fans are calling him.
He’s that shaggy dude who’s made millions carrying a
clipboard for the past three years.
His listed weight of 223 pounds makes him the third-skinniest man in Wisconsin.
Oh, just the guy who must replace the greatest NFL QB ever. Shouldn’t be much of a burden.
TOPIC 3: IS SHAQ RESPONSIBLE FOR THE PHOENIX SUNS’ TROUBLES?
No, but he is responsible for more bad movies than
Rob Schneider.
Shaq brought them balance. Now they have no defense OR offense.
Look, Kobe just threw a towel in an old lady’s face again! (Runs and hides amid tumbleweeds.)
They beat the Spurs Sunday, so I guess he’s filling his role as slow-moving hired muscle.
Surprise, surprise. You mean an overhyped, over-the-hill, slow, injury-prone center is a problem?
TOPIC 4: WHICH COLLEGE BASKETBALL PLAYER IS OVERHYPED?
Tyler Hansbrough. He’s a future Joe Wolf.
I don’t know who gets more
credit for awkward performances, Tyler Hansbrough or Tyler Perry.
Tyler Hansbrough. Sorry, but no college big man measures up to me. Except at the free-throw line.
See: All five of Duke’s starters.
Eric Gordon. If he’s gonna be an NBA star next season, he should be scoring 30 a game.
TOPIC 5: THE BLACKHAWKS’ ICE CREW IS in contention for best ice girls in an online poll. WHY?
It’s not that impressive. They’re the only group of ice girls in the NHL.
By performing at the United Center, they can join forces with the Luvabulls … to form Voltron!
They’re hot, of course. And believe me, I know hot when I see it.
Because if you don’t vote for them they’ll CUT YOU GOOD.
They have a practice advantage. They can train on frozen Lake Michigan July through May.
