The Cubs’ Felix Pie will be out for a while after having surgery for “testicular torsion.” This is Five on Five — you should know by now we wouldn’t let something like that slide by. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Phillip Thompson
Tracy Swartz
Leo Ebersole
Jimmy Greenfield
Brian Moore
TOPIC 1: WHICH CUBs OR WHITE SOX player ARE YOU BETTING WILL GET INJURED BEFORE THE SEASON STARTS?
Whoever’s locker is next to Felix Pie. Sympathy pains. The guys know what I’m talking about.
Joan Cusack probably willhurt her nagging finger dialing for the Sox.
Depends. How many layers of duct tape are holding Jim Thome’s back together?
That has to be the most cynical question since Kerry Wood asked, “Why me?”
Kerry Wood, of course. He’s past due, actually, according to the laws of physics.
TOPIC 2: CHRIS DUHON GOT FINED AGAIN, THIS TIME FOR SAYING, ‘I HAVEN’T BEEN PLAYING A LOT ANYWAY.’ COMMENT?
So wait, John Paxson, you want players to be happy sitting on the bench, or at least act like it?
Hmm, no play? Are these slumber parties for one?
The Bulls should grant him a trade. To Memphis. Where he’d still be third on the depth chart.
Fine team, the Bulls. John Paxson still has a job because why?
He’s right. Even when he is on the court, he’s not really playing a lot.
TOPIC 3: WHAT’S NEXT FOR THE BULLS?
They scout the Cook County Jail for their next “character” player.
Wife swapping with Utah will let the Bulls air out their dirty laundry again.
They start looking to the future — namely, how to upgrade every single spot on their roster.
They will hire Jim Paxson as GM.
If they can put together a good string of games here, maybe the NIT.
TOPIC 4: WHich BUBBLE TEAM IS OUT AND WHY?
Virginia Commonwealth’s play in the CAA tournament was uncommonly poor.
The Wrigley family, though I’m sure they’ll chew Sam Zell out.
Unfortunately for the Hokies, you can’t spell Virginia Tech without “NIT.”
Florida. Spite.
Ohio State. Because they deserve it.
TOPIC 5: USE ‘TESTICULAR TORSION’ IN A SENTENCE.
NASCAR docked Tony Stewart 100 points after they found he was using testicular torsion.
The original name for the song “Twist and Shout,” “testicular torsion,” didn’t flow well.
Jimmy will remember his first date for the leather masks, and perhaps the testicular torsion.
The government banned waterboarding but not
testicular torsion.
Wanna go to the Testicular Torsion concert Friday? I’ll buy the first cup … of beer.
