Our panelists already have their NCAA brackets filled out. What? The field isn’t set until tomorrow? No matter, they don’t know what they’re doing anyway. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: THE NCAA TOURNEY BRINGS US MARCH MADNESS. WHAT DOES CHICAGO BASEBALL BRING US?
Phil Thompson: Yearlong Sadness.
Brian Moore: A bleeding ulcer, migraines, a smashed TV remote, crushed dreams — and that’s just today.
Tracy Swartz: The Slides of March. Cubs fans, beware the revenge of Cesar Izturis. Grass assination cometh.
Jimmy Greenfield: Stomach Sadness.
Leo Ebersole: March Testicular Torsion.
TOPIC 2: WHAT IS YOUR NCAA TOURNEY BRACKET STRATEGY?
Phil Thompson: Wear 9 different college hats and slather myself with peanut butter. Now, what was the question?
Brian Moore: Don’t fall for the Gonzaga trap. They’ve never played a team of any consequence.
Tracy Swartz: Like New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, I’ll forgive UF’s bad play. But I won’t phone it in.
Jimmy Greenfield: Only pick teams with “North” in the name. Sit down, Northwestern, I’m not talking to you.
Leo Ebersole: I like to overthink everything and pick clearly overmatched teams like Stanford.
TOPIC 3: WHO’S ON THE BUBBLE AND WHY?
Phil Thompson: Jennifer Lopez is always on the bubble. Think about it.
Brian Moore: Jimmy’s been on the bubble, but he’s kicked it. He’s attending Bubbles Anonymous meetings.
Tracy Swartz: Roger Federer. He’s a champ pain and a bit of a whiner.
Jimmy Greenfield: Spitzer. I’m all for bourbon and hookers, but come on.
Leo Ebersole: Tracy. One more Joakim Noah reference and she’ll be hearing from the FBI.
TOPIC 4: THE CUBS AND WHITE SOX PLAY SATURDAY. WHAT WILL THE RESULT BE?
Phil Thompson: Anarchy. And then the game will start.
Brian Moore: See No. 1, but make it a double, please.
Tracy Swartz: Meaningless! Like e-petitions, the Emmys and last-call shots of love. What a waste.
Jimmy Greenfield: Boredom will set in right about … now.
Leo Ebersole: A bitter, bitter trail of tears.
TOPIC 5: A CUBS-SOX SPRING TRAINING GAME IS LIKE …
Phil Thompson: … a much-hyped but meaningless exercise, just like a Cubs-Sox regular-season game.
Brian Moore: … the trailer for a really crappy movie.
Tracy Swartz: … a Civil War re-enactment. No matter how many times you play, America still loses.
Jimmy Greenfield: … the WNBA Finals.
Leo Ebersole: … cholesterol vs. air pollution. For now they’re alarming. And sooner or later they’re gonna kill you.
