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Jimmy Greenfield
Adam Caldarelli
Tracy Swartz
Bag Boy
Phillip Thompson
TOPIC 1: GIVE one NCAA TOURNAMENT TEAM A LAST-MINUTE PEP TALK.
I love you guys. In a coaching, non-gay kind of way.
Belmont, we know you’re five guys they found at the Red Line stop, but go get them Dookies!
I’m trying to rally myself for UF in the NIT. We hit bottom fast.
Dear Mt. St. Mary’s: Nice run. It’s over.
Vanderbilt is hot right now, so try not to get burnt, Siena.
TOPIC 2: KERRY WOOD MISSED WEDNESDAY’S GAME WITH BACK SPASMS. YOUR REACTION?
I know there’s no crying in baseball, but is there euthanizing?
Just don’t soothe yourself in the hot tub.
When Wood is involved, they are usually not called “spasms.”
No worries. It’s when he misses the towel-throwing games that I get worried.
Maybe that’s God’s way of telling Lou Piniella, “DON’T MAKE HIM THE CLOSER!”
TOPIC 3: WHY IS BASEBALL INVESTIGATING BARRY BONDS’ JOBLESSNESS?
It’s not baseball, it’s the MLBPA. And it’s because owners are bigger liars than Bonds.
This has always confused me: What’s the difference between joblessness and unemployment?
I thought he had many offers — that’s why his head grew larger.
I don’t know. They looked into my joblessness and found “extreme lack of ambition,” so we’ll see.
Do YOU want Barry Bonds on the streets?
TOPIC 4: A MINOR-LEAGUE TEAM WANTS ROGER CLEMENS TO PLAY THEIR MASCOT, ROCKET. INSULT OR OPPORTUNITY?
Insult. Mainly because the suit comes with a fake syringe stuck to the leg.
Hey, maybe it’ll get him on “Celebrity Rehab.”
He should be used to the Reds’ glare. Hope he doesn’t bomb.
It’s actually an improvement. Initially they wanted him to play “Pocket Rocket.”
Insult. He should be made a mockery at the professional level or not at all!
TOPIC 5: JESSICA SIMPSON ATTENDED TUESDAY’S MAVERICKS GAME — AND DALLAS LOST. IS THE JINX BACK?
My God, she’s sleeping with the Dallas Mavericks now?
Why, is she dating Malik Allen?
No, but at least Jessica is all back. No spine, though.
I had dinner with Jessica the other night and contracted food poisoning, so, yes.
Since I hate all things Dallas, I think this requires further testing.
