Our panelists are knee-deep in March Madness. Their brackets are a wreck, and their answers aren’t much better. Sign up for the fun at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: WHAT’S THE CURE FOR MARCH MADNESS?
Tracy Swartz: The court is the only place for foam fingers and the insanity defense.
Phillip Thompson: Don’t be an antidope.
Brian Moore: March Madness, ha, ha. Not here, noooo way. Go, Texas, go! I’m not mad. Ahhhhhhh.
Bag Boy: Same as all my sports cures: A brick through the TV.
Whizzer: Cut down on your intake of Dick Vitale.
TOPIC 2: WHAT’S MORE USELESS: THE NIT OR THE CBI?
Tracy Swartz: CBI. It drew record numbers, but that crime TV show is the bottom of the barrel.
Phillip Thompson: CBI is better, although I never watch “CBI: Miami.”
Brian Moore: IUPUI, a team with a 26-7 record and an RPI of 69 doesn’t make either? They’re both a farce.
Bag Boy: Let’s see, do I want to watch the rejects or the double rejects?
Whizzer: There is such a thing as too much basketball.
TOPIC 3: ANY ADVICE FOR PEOPLE WHOSE BRACKETS HAVE ALREADY FALLEN APART?
Tracy Swartz: Cure brackne by covering your face and hoping taunts don’t cause scars.
Phillip Thompson: You need some glue to put it back together. First you have to corner the Boise State Bronco …
Brian Moore: Better luck next year. If you’re a Cubs fans, this is the easy part.
Bag Boy: Just rip them up and flush them. Like my dreams.
Whizzer: It’s never over till it’s over. In your case, though, it’s over.
TOPIC 4: MAKE UP A MIXED MARTIAL ARTS MOVE FOR A CHICAGO ATHLETE.
Tracy Swartz: Oddly, when I think of Carlos Zambrano, head/butt comes to mind.
Phillip Thompson: The Flop, by (fill in the Bull).
Brian Moore: Cedric Benson’s tackling dummy.
Bag Boy: The Wounded Duck. Rex Grossman’s specialty.
Whizzer: How about the Kirk Hind Reach? Uhhh, maybe not.
TOPIC 5: WHEN BASEBALL SEASON STARTS, I’LL …
Tracy Swartz: … play hooky, parade around town and go home before I run out of mileage.
Phillip Thompson: … hit the reset button on my blind Cubs optimism.
Brian Moore: … read even more Sun-Times drivel about the Trib-owned Cubs. Enough already.
Bag Boy: … be happy for a few hours until both the Sox and Cubs lose by a combined score of 23-1.
Whizzer: … have even more losers to worry about.
