I’m quite sure we have a problem here.
You see, Mr. Cub himself, Ernie Banks, is reviving an old Cubs fan group, and I’d like to join. They’re the West Side Rooters Association.
First, a quick note on this group. For some reason, they were disbanded 100 years ago by Charles Murphy, the Cubs president back then. And of course, the Cubs haven’t won a World Series since then.
Now, here’s the deal. They’re openly looking for someone to fill the role of “secretary.” I’d like to be that guy.
I’ve got a lot to offer here. I’m good at taking notes, have a decent memory, good basic recall skills — I would know what happened at the previous meetings and so forth. I would excel at this.
I’m also quite good, as you know, at pointing things out that need to be corrected about the team as well. You know, management changes, trades that should be made, players who need to be cut — the usual stuff. I think this group really needs me.
There are some drawbacks. I’m not from the West Side. But who is, really?
Also, the original group supposedly was composed of reputable citizens of the city. Now, we all know, that’s not me. However, given my knowledge of the team, I think we can get past that.
Finally, and this may actually be a sticking point, I really don’t like the Cubs that much.
They get far too much undeserved attention, spend too much on underachieving players and drive me crazy with their lack of fundamentals.
Nonetheless, I’m willing to work on this and improve myself, if the group will have me. So do me a favor and write these guys at rooters@harrycarays.com and tell them why I should be the secretary. I’d do it myself, but I’m too lazy.
Speaking of the Cubs, I’ve already got a beef with the roster. No Matt Murton. Folks, he’s called a “contact hitter,” and he’s the only one we have on the roster. And now he doesn’t even make the team. I’m bummed.
Also, no Alex Cintron. First, I didn’t know he was on the Cubs. Second, how come he’s not on the Cubs? Nobody needs a switch hitter anymore? I’ve got to start reading the papers.
On second thought, I see the Blackhawks probably won’t make the playoffs again. Put the papers down, people.
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redeyesports@tribune.com
