It’s so cold out, our Five on Five panelists huddled together to stay warm while answering these questions. Watch your hands, Leo. Sign up for the fun at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: WHAT’S WORSE: CUBS IN PHILLY OR DETROIT AT WHITE SOX?
Leo Ebersole: Phillies’ bullpen is like bird flu — you’re pretty sure it can’t spread, but you don’t want to find out.
Tracy Swartz: I knew Phil had a little Fox in him. Definitely Pie in Leo. And Wood in …
Brian Moore: The White Sox anywhere is pretty intolerable.
Phillip Thompson: Cubs in Philly, unless the Sox haven’t had their shots.
Whizzer: Cubs. Nothing good comes out of Philly. Except cheesesteaks, of course.
TOPIC 2: TIME’S ALMOST OUT FOR THE BULLS. HOW DO YOU FEEL?
Leo Ebersole: If I were a Bulls fan? Like I finally threw up after six months of dry heaving.
Tracy Swartz: Like they’re already extinct since they started going Gray.
Brian Moore: Fortunate to have missed every game so far.
Phillip Thompson: I feel as empty as future ex-coach Jim Boylan’s bank account.
Whizzer: Like it’s 2002 all over again.
TOPIC 3: TIGER WOODS AND THE MASTERS GO TOGETHER LIKE …
Leo Ebersole: … Simon Cowell and man-cleavage-baring shirts.
Tracy Swartz: … Masters and domains.
Brian Moore: … Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus. What? They’re the same person?!?!
Phillip Thompson: I refuse to answer any question about Tiger playing at The Oppressors. Power to the people!
Whizzer: … the Bulls and lottery picks. Which is to say, “not very well.”
TOPIC 4: AT THIS POINT, WHAT COULD TIGER POSSIBLY DO TO REALLY IMPRESS THE SPORTS WORLD?
Leo Ebersole: Hit a free throw in a Memphis Tigers uniform.
Tracy Swartz: If Tiger bites Jonathan Byrd and shows Hunter Mahan who’s Master.
Brian Moore: Finally reveal the robotic circuitry under his skin.
Phillip Thompson: Retire to play baseball? (Uh, no. Which reminds me, stop hanging around M.J.)
Whizzer: Adopt a cute dog as his next caddy. Hey, it’s worth a try.
TOPIC 5: AFTER MARCH MADNESS, HOW DOES THE NBA STACK UP?
Leo Ebersole: Pretty awesome, actually. Intense playoff race in the West + Charles Barkley = entertainment.
Tracy Swartz: Easily. Jersey and even Canada stack up to Kansas. And they’re fake places.
Brian Moore: About as well as Leo stacks up to Brad Pitt.
Phillip Thompson: Not well. It’s more like June Jadedness.
Whizzer: Depends on which team I’ve got my money on.
