The Kentucky Derby is Saturday. Got any plans? These guys are looking for a party to crash. Sign up for the fun at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: SATURDAY IS DERBY DAY. HOW DO YOU CELEBRATE?
Scott Kleinberg: I put on a big hat and drink mint juleps until I’m slurring my Southern accent.
Brian Moore: I put a saddles on Leo and Scott and make them race around the office.
Leo Ebersole: Same way I celebrate every Derby Day: bourbon and horses. Wait, that came out wrong …
Tracy Swartz: With a Colt 45 and a Filly cheesesteak. Rollerskates complete the triple crown.
Jimmy Greenfield: I look lovingly at my autographed photo of Hilary Swank.
TOPIC 2: WHAT’S IN STORE FOR CHICAGO’S BASEBALL TEAMS IN MAY?
Scott Kleinberg: Mostly jerseys and hats with some key chains still available.
Brian Moore: Pain, pain and more pain. And for the White Sox …
Leo Ebersole: A tougher fight than Brian and Jimmy’s tussle for the last copy of the Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair.
Tracy Swartz: “Better luck next year” mugs. Sadly, the Cubs now have to mug their fans for money.
Jimmy Greenfield: More wins than losses, to be followed by more tears than laughter.
TOPIC 3: THE CUBS FACE THEIR RIVAL THE CARDINALS IN ST. LOUIS. WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
Scott Kleinberg: A little bear always beats a little bird. I read that in a fortune cookie once.
Brian Moore: The fresh-from-the-DL Soriano slips on some spittle after a Lou Piniella tirade and breaks his arm.
Leo Ebersole: Albert Pujols will hit a ball so high it makes it rain. He’ll subsequently be traded to the Cowboys.
Tracy Swartz: The signs are all there — and unfortunately, the Cubs just won’t get lost.
Jimmy Greenfield: Tony LaRussa and Piniella brawl after the game. The fight will be decided by Superdelegates.
TOPIC 4: MAKE UP A WILD CROSSING-THE-BORDER STORY FOR THE WHITE SOX’S TRIP TO TORONTO.
Scott Kleinberg: Ozzie gets kicked out of Canada by a border patrol officer for kicking dirt on his shoes.
Brian Moore: Bobby Jenks gets his goatee stuck in an airport turnstile, so he chews off his own head to escape.
Leo Ebersole: Oh, dude, this one time … wait, who visits Canada?
Tracy Swartz: Luckily the Sox know how to deal with guards since they live in the Cell.
Jimmy Greenfield: Nick Swisher will sneak into Canada inside Bobby Jenks’ neck fat.
TOPIC 5: WHO IS CHICAGO’S IRON MAN?
Scott Kleinberg: He’s the guy whose shirt is never wrinkled.
Brian Moore: Iron Mike Ditka, of course. You don’t get out much, do you?
Leo Ebersole: Bears GM Jerry Angelo, if only for his skull.
Tracy Swartz: Pete Wentz has had a chemical reduction and he can be found in leather.
Jimmy Greenfield: Oh, clearly Ron Santo. Who has had more lives than him?
