The Lower Colorado River Authority arrested Cedric Benson. Rahula Strohl figures out who, exactly, they are at chicagosports.com/whatsgoinon. Go online and give us your best lines at redeyechicago.com/facebookfives.
Tracy Swartz
Rahula Strohl
Leo Ebersole
Phillip Thompson
Jimmy Greenfield
TOPIC 1: WHAT’S THE NEXT STEP FOR CEDRIC BENSON?
The Running Man on a
grad night booze cruise.
The one where his leg is straight out in front of him and his finger is touching his nose.
The logical next step for a young man allegedly drunk and partying in Texas: president of the U.S.
He needs good PR. Follow Ricky Williams’ example and pose in a wedding dress with Mike Ditka.
Officially announce what we all knew: He’s really Rashaan Salaam.
TOPIC 2: WHERE DID OZZIE GUILLEN LEARN TO CURSE LIKE THAT?
The Cubs, although the curse will be lifted this year, they swear.
The guy’s been in Major League Baseball for 23 years. So it must be the rap music.
Funny story: He was raised by wolves who had a copy of Martin Scorsese’s “Mean Streets.”
When Ozzie was a kid, Lee Elia made a Tom Emanski-like video for future managers.
As a boy he attended Lee Elia’s School for Wayward Ballplayers.
TOPIC 3: WHAT ‘MISTAKES IN MY PERSONAL LIFE’ IS ROGER CLEMENS REFERRING TO?
Throwing screwball pitches.
Those mistakes where he tripped, fell and landed in R. Kelly’s morals.
The decision to challenge Tony Soprano to a “fattest face” competition.
“If I was going to get busted anyway, why didn’t I shoot for Shania Twain?”
Not hitting on A-Rod’s wife.
TOPIC 4: PAPA JOHN’S WILL SELL 23-CENT PIZZAS TO APOLOGIZE TO LEBRON. COME UP WITH ANOTHER PROMOTION.
Papa John’s Roger Clemens special: Jerk chicken, extra saucy.
Subway’s gonna need Jared to go on another diet after they finish the $5 footlong promotion.
DeShawn Stevenson will deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Hut apologizes for Ben Wallace’s hair by giving away free mushroom toppings.
Papa John’s will give away health benefits to apologize to anybody who ate a Papa John’s pizza.
TOPIC 5: CELTIC RAJON RONDO GAVE A POSTGAME INTERVIEW VIA TEXT MESSAGE. NOW YOU GIVE ONE.
“A ldy g8tr nvr txts pst-gme.”
“OMG, I don’t know any funny abbreviations that aren’t dirty.”
“C u 2nite oops wrng # got2go.”
“I pln 2 hld out 4 more $$$ … better make that more $$$$$$”
“Me no likey refs.”
