Evil Super Computer is back! Your choices: A) Run and cower in fear. B) Stay and face your inevitable destruction. It’s good to have options. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/facebookfives.
Phillip Thompson
Tracy Swartz
Jimmy Greenfield
Leo Ebersole
Evil Super Computer
TOPIC 1: WHICH CHICAGO TEAM IS NOT GETTING THE RESPECT IT DESERVES?
The Kane County Cougars. Are any cougars in these parts …?
The dolled-up Sox obviously need props.
The Chicago … Chicago … oh, what’s the name of that hoops team with chicks?
The Blackhawks. They almost made the NHL playoffs, and only, like, 28 teams make it each year.
Respect?! Respect is like fame. And right here is where you pay. In sweat.
TOPIC 2: A DETROIT LIONS EXEC TOLD A REPORTER, ‘I WILL COME AFTER YOU.’ WHAT DOES HE MEAN?
If a Lion’s coming after you, that automatically excludes you from being an opposing team.
Come after you in the rankings? The Lions never are a threat.
What he said was, “I will come after you … then I will drink your milkshake.”
“I will come after you with a first-round pick if you can play receiver.”
Hollow words. Now my threats should make you run to the little girl’s room.
TOPIC 3: WHY DOES CHICAGO HAVE THE NATION’S HIGHEST GAS PRICES?
Puzzling. You’d think with so many pizza places gas would be our chief export.
I hear The Viagra Triangle is expensive. Everyone knows fossils fuel there.
Because (insert fart joke here).
A combination of taxes and costs passed on to the consumer. But I still blame the Bears’ front office.
Perhaps now you will relent and finally allow all cars to be computer-driven. Bow to me!
TOPIC 4: CHICAGO’S OLYMPIC COMMITTEE HIRED AN AD AGENCY. COME UP WITH A SLOGAN.
“Chicago: Where you’ll actually root for global warming.”
“Chicago: We’re a dive town.”
“Chicago 2016: As long as the world doesn’t end before then.”
“Chicago: Embracing the international community ever since Toni Kukoc panned out.”
“Come to Chicago, and I’ll forget for a moment that I’m better than you.”
TOPIC 5: SPALDING SIGNED JENNIE FINCH TO ENDORSE SOFTBALLS. PITCH AN AD IDEA TO HER.
“OK, Jennie, it starts with you saying ‘softballs,’ and follows with uncontrollable giggling.”
“A League of Their Own” remake. Jimmy Dugan played by … Geena Davis.
“Jennie, I see you and Heather Graham in a locker room. Yeah, that’s the whole idea.”
“We start at the factory where the leather for the balls is cut. Mmmm, smell those hides …”
“Ms. Finch, I’m not entirely sure who you are, but I’ve mathematically deduced that you’re hot!”
