Our crew is ready to watch history during the Indianapolis 500 this weekend: Danica Patrick winning? No. Jimmy’s actually going to stoop to watching racing. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/facebookfives.
TOPIC 1: THE CUBS AND PIRATES HAVE THEIR FOURTH SERIES THIS WEEKEND. WHY DO THEY PLAY SO OFTEN?
Leo Ebersole: The Cubs wanted the closest thing they could get to extended Spring Training.
Tracy Swartz: The Cubs are seeing if they have a better chance beating a team that wears eyepatches.
Brian Moore: The Cubs are scouting what players they can steal from them in a trade this season.
Jimmy Greenfield: The Cubs love those cute Pirate uniforms.
Phillip Thompson: Soto and Pie thought they were scheduling the ones from the Caribbean. Kids.
TOPIC 2: THIS WEEK, ALFONSO SORIANO WON NL PLAYER OF THE WEEK HONORS. NEXT WEEK HE’LL …
Leo Ebersole: … strain a forearm doing a hand-stand after a catch.
Tracy Swartz: … win DL Player of the Week. Rest that arm, Al.
Brian Moore: … save a lot on his car insurance by switching to Geico.
Jimmy Greenfield: … … look like Felix Pie again.
Phillip Thompson: … be player of the weak when you see his batting average.
TOPIC 3: MAKE UP AN ‘INDIANA JONES’ MOVIE TITLE FOR THE WHITE SOX.
Leo Ebersole: “Jim Thome and the Kingdom of Lowered Expectations.”
Tracy Swartz: For all of baseball: “Raiders of the Lost Narc.”
Brian Moore: “Bobby Jenks and the Goatee of Doom.”
Jimmy Greenfield: “Ozzie Guillen and the Curse of the Broken English.”
Phillip Thompson: “Swisher of the Lost Cause.”
TOPIC 4: IF A WOMAN WINS THIS WEEKEND’S INDY 500, I WILL …
Leo Ebersole: … be pleasantly surprised and happy for her. I will then ask her for a ride to the Best Buy.
Tracy Swartz: … assume Hillary Clinton is still in the race.
Brian Moore: … wish her well as she cashes it in for a ride in NASCAR.
Jimmy Greenfield: … congratulate my wife on finally achieving gender equity.
Phillip Thompson: … cheer the advancement of women athletes as I await her inevitable Maxim shoot.
TOPIC 5: WHAT’S A DALLARA?
Leo Ebersole: An anagram for “A lard lad,” and thus an acceptable nickname for Boston Celtic Glen Davis.
Tracy Swartz: It’s the car for Ozzie’s doll. (Like the Barbiemobile or the Tonka truck.)
Brian Moore: It’s the nickname Leo has lovingly given to Phil. Only they know what it means.
Jimmy Greenfield: A DeLorean as spoken by somebody eating 12 crackers.
Phillip Thompson: A pilgrimage to Dallas strip clubs made by the Prophet Pacman.
