Five on Five welcomes Skates, whose Wolves play Game 1 of the Calder Cup championship series on Thursday. Go head-to-head in a battle of wits against our regulars at redeyechicago.com/facebookfives.
Skates
Tracy Swartz
Adam Caldarelli
Jimmy Greenfield
Leo Ebersole
TOPIC 1: WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THE WOLVES’ FINALS MATCHUP AGAINST WILKES-BARRE/SCRANTON?
A championship on the line and 29 guys with mustaches. Enough said.
The Scranton branch can’t be beat. That’s what she said.
A scouting report: Dwight Schrute fakes to his backhand, then goes glove side on a breakaway.
It will involve blood and teeth and a startling lack
of anesthesia.
Their backup goalie is Oscar from accounting.
TOPIC 2: LANCE BRIGGS PREFERS PEDIALYTE OVER ENERGY DRINKS SUCH AS GATORADE. YOUR THOUGHTS?
What’s next, diapers instead of spandex?
Pedialyte helps him pacify his verbal diarrhea. Next up: breastfeeding.
Pedialyte replaces electrolytes, but without the high fructose corn syrup. Good tip for the kids.
I prefer Pedialyte and Gatorade over Lance Briggs.
Just think what it takes to hydrate Briggs’ agent, with all that crying over contract negotiations.
TOPIC 3: HOW CAN YOU TELL IF OZZIE GUILLEN IS NEGLECTING ONE OF HIS PLAYERS?
Their eardrums are intact.
Everything’s fine in Ozzie’s world.
He apparently doesn’t spend enough time whining on the phone for them.
He swears at him fewer than
five times a day.
That player generally is yelled at, publicly humiliated and has things thrown at him. But only generally.
TOPIC 4: PICK AN INVESTOR FOR WRIGLEY FIELD.
Me. I always thought it could use a wolf’s touch …
The fans. We need more ladies to don Cubbie pink jerseys for the team.
Pedialyte Park has a nice ring to it.
Jimmy Buffett’s dad, Warren.
The E-Trade baby. He already bought a clown. How hard could it be?
TOPIC 5: WHAT’S ONE DRAWBACK TO HAVING MARIAH CAREY THROW OUT THE FIRST PITCH AT A BASEBALL GAME?
Her hair and makeup entourage requires use of the entire dugout as a work space.
Her pitch attracts only dogs.
Is she still alive?
Mariah Carey is throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game.
Figuring out where to store
10 trunks full of couture
baseball cleats.
