Tiger Woods is back this weekend. Not here, but in golf. You’re stuck with these five here and on Facebook at redeyechicago.com/facebookfives.
TOPIC 1: PICK A CHICAGO ATHLETE AND PREDICT HOW HE’LL SPEND FATHER’S DAY.
Tracy Swartz: In typical fashion, Cedric Benson will be all Father’s Day tie-d up.
Jimmy Greenfield: Lance Briggs will spend the day trying to figure out who his kids are.
Leo Ebersole: The Noahs plan on doing a little weeding, then retire to the basement for Cocoa Puffs.
Brian Moore: Rex Grossman tries to deliver his dad a present, but he sends it to the wrong guy.
Phillip Thompson: Lance “the Baby Maker” Briggs uses that day to conduct his own personal census.
TOPIC 2: WHO’S HAVING A WORSE JUNE: CEDRIC BENSON OR BIG BROWN?
Tracy Swartz: They’re equal. But both can look forward to shots soon.
Jimmy Greenfield: The same. They’re both acting like 2-year-olds.
Leo Ebersole: Big Brown. Benson cracked a long time ago.
Brian Moore: Benson. Big Brown actually accomplished something before flaming out.
Phillip Thompson: At least Big Brown has an excuse for being a horse’s behind.
TOPIC 3: HOW ARE YOU WELCOMING TIGER WOODS BACK TO GOLF AFTER HIS INJURY?
Tracy Swartz: To help his knee heal, I’m going to take him to a laid-back joint.
Jimmy Greenfield: With bourbon, hookers and a lovely Hallmark card.
Leo Ebersole: With arms wide open. Wait, did I just write a Creed lyric? Delete! Delete!
Brian Moore: I’ve installed a putting green in my basement. Let’s hope he got my party invitation.
Phillip Thompson: He’s a golfer, so how about a glass of club soda? C’mon, people, “CLUB” soda, work with me.
TOPIC 4: TELL US WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT VINNY DEL NEGRO.
Tracy Swartz: He’s in it to Vin it.
Jimmy Greenfield: He’s A) not Doug Collins and B) not going to be the Bulls coach in two years.
Leo Ebersole: His hair is a cross between Al Pacino and Scott Baio. Not sure what to make of that.
Brian Moore: The Bulls are his first head-coaching job. Let’s hope he doesn’t need on-the-job training.
Phillip Thompson: He played awhile in Italy, an odd choice for someone named Vinny.
TOPIC 5: WHO IN THE CHICAGO SPORTS WORLD WOULD MAKE A GOOD INCREDIBLE HULK?
Tracy Swartz: After all those drinking-related arrests, Cedric Benson’s green, mad and a superzero.
Jimmy Greenfield: Lou Piniella. Don’t make him angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.
Leo Ebersole: Bill Cowher. HULK SHOWER REFEREES WITH SPIT! ARGHH!
Brian Moore: Ozzie Guillen. But he’ll have to learn to pick on people other than nervous rookies.
Phillip Thompson: Tracy. If she drinks too many Blue Moons she gets angry and turns green.
