What is dedication? You’re looking at them. Scott, Jimmy, Brian, Leo and Tracy live to entertain you on a weekend. Want to join the fun? Check out redeyechicago.com/facebookfives.
TOPIC 1: WHAT’S STRANGER THAN THE CUBS AND SOX IN FIRST PLACE AT THE SAME TIME?
Scott Kleinberg: A person without an iPhone.
Jimmy Greenfield: Three-eyed Wooly Mammoths who vote Libertarian.
Brian Moore: In addition, they’re both from Chicago. Spooky.
Leo Ebersole: Jimmy wearing his lingerie on the inside of his clothing.
Tracy Swartz: Mike Myers and Steve Carell both being on top. All flash, no substance.
TOPIC 2: WHAT’S A GOOD NAME FOR A CUBS OR SOX FAN WHO SWITCHES ALLEGIANCES?
Scott Kleinberg: Johnny “better stay in his house” Williams.
Jimmy Greenfield: Steve Stone.
Brian Moore: Sammy Sosa.
Leo Ebersole: “North Sider.”
Tracy Swartz: Sobs” for the two sets of crybaby fans.
TOPIC 3: IF YOU WERE A PRO SPORTS TEAM, WHAT WOULD YOUR NICKNAME BE?
Scott Kleinberg: Pittsburgh Arrrgggh-onauts.
Jimmy Greenfield: The Jimmy Legs
Brian Moore: The Lawn Moores, of course.
Leo Ebersole The ShinerBockers.
Tracy Swartz: The Swartz Bras. We give each other the support we need.
TOPIC 4: HOW ARE NHL DRAFT PICKS DIFFERENT FROM NBA DRAFT PICKS?
Scott Kleinberg: Exactly the same … both put me to sleep.
Jimmy Greenfield: Instead of money, they holdout for more farm equipment.
Brian Moore: NBA draft picks dress in trendy suits for the occasion; NHL draft picks wear blood-stained jerseys.
Leo Ebersole: The only “entourage” an NHL draft pick comes with is a boxed set of DVDs.
Tracy Swartz: NHL picks are better at protecting their cups than NBA picks. Just ask Jo Noah.
TOPIC 5: PICK AN ATHLETE AND EXPLAIN HOW HE OR SHE WILL CELEBRATE THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER.
Scott Kleinberg: Jeff Gordon … at Pep Boys, getting an 28-minute oil change when he’s used to a 12-second one.
Jimmy Greenfield: Cedric Benson will go boating with mug shots already in his wallet.
Brian Moore: In my crystal ball, I see White Sox pitcher Jose Contreras at Wrigley Field facing the Cubs.
Leo Ebersole: Bill Belichick will shed his skin and emerge as a beautiful rattlesnake.
Tracy Swartz: Cedric Benson will be cruising … in the back of a squad car.
