Are you still excited about the Crosstown Classic? Channel all that energy and log on to redeyechicago.com/facebookfives.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Brian Moore
Scott Kleinberg
TOPIC 1: BESIDES THE SCORE, HOW CAN YOU TELL WHICH TEAM WON THE CROSSTOWN SERIES?
The American flag is flying
half-staff on all Sox fans’ homes. That’s like 20-25 homes!
Whether or not the Cubs fan you’re talking to knows what happened.
Count the coolers destroyed in each locker room and subtract by the number of blow-up dolls.
There will be more cursing
than usual during Ozzie’s
news conferences.
The total look of amazement on every Cubs fan’s face walking around Chicago.
TOPIC 2: GIVE AN AWARD TO ONE OF THE CUBS OR WHITE SOX FROM THIS WEEKEND’S SERIES.
Jim Edmonds wins the “Finally A Real Cub” award.
Sox pitcher Contreras gets the Felix Heredia Complete Meltdown Trophy, shaped like a turnstile.
Congrats to Contreras, co-recipient with Mike Myers of the Career Implosion of the Week award.
The Class-Act Award: John “[bleep]hole” Danks for calling Wrigley a “[bleep]hole.”
Congrats, Ozzie — you actually kept your cool.
TOPIC 3: WHY DOESN’T ADAM JONES WANT TO BE CALLED ‘PACMAN’ ANY MORE?
Because a Pacman eats LSD and then has hallucinations he’s seeing colored ghosts.
He’s a Cowboy now. He has to change it to “Pacrat” to fit in.
It was time for a change, and “Piston Honda” has a much more contemporary vibe.
He’s going by Adam “Grand Theft Auto IV” Jones nowadays.
All those ghosts from his past were finally catching up with him.
TOPIC 4: DALE EARNHARDT JR. AND HIS CREW CHIEF ARE COUSINS. WHAT’S A PITFALL OF WORKING WITH RELATIVES?
Your kid could become
president and ruin the family name.
Hey, lay off. If not for that, we wouldn’t be blessed with Scott’s presence.
In NASCAR? Resisting the temptation to get married. Thank you. I’ll be here all week. (Sigh.)
Interoffice relationships really would be a bad idea.
When Cousin Tony releases “Dale’s Pit Row Secrets plus 50 BBQ recipes,” it will make sense.
TOPIC 5: EX-BULL RON ARTEST RAPS OVER AN ALICIA KEYS TRACK. WHO ELSE SHOULD COVER A SONG?
Ron Artest should do “Still Crazy After All These Years.”
Just so you know, Cedric
Benson, it is too late to
“Apologize.”
The Bulls’ front court can get together and sing Jordin Sparks’ “No Air.”
Carlos Zambrano, “Another One Bites the Dust.”
Phil should cover Barry Manilow’s “Copacabana.” Mostly, because there are costumes involved.
