These five would look right at home at this weekend’s NASCAR race in Joliet. That is, if the correctional facility were still there. Join the fun at redeyechicago.com/facebookfives.
TOPIC 1: HOW IS A BASEBALL GAME VS. THE GIANTS DIFFERENT WITHOUT BARRY BONDS?
Phillip Thompson: Any Giants game without Barry is a San Francisco treat.
Scott Kleinberg: No one recognizes anyone on the roster, so everyone spends their time waiting for hot dogs.
Tracy Swartz: Everything’s a lot smaller. (That’s what she said.)
Brian Moore: A lot less interesting considering it was a game and a freak show all in one when he played.
Whizzer: No more betting on if Barry can fit his head into his batting helmet.
TOPIC 2: SEVEN CUBS ARE IN TUESDAY’S ALL-STAR GAME. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
Phillip Thompson: Alfonso Soriano’s leg could fly off and clip Carlos Zambrano in the shoulder.
Scott Kleinberg: With seven Cubs in town, the curse should transfer to the NL, ensuring an AL whooping.
Tracy Swartz: Not all of them can play Dopey, but they’ll all sure try.
Brian Moore: It’ll be like the movie “Cloverfield,” only with more destruction.
Whizzer: That list is too long. How about “What could go right?” Answer: Nothing.
TOPIC 3: NASCAR IS IN TOWN FOR THE LIFELOCK.COM 400. WHAT WOULD YOU NAME YOUR RACE?
Phillip Thompson: The Maxim Hot 100.
Scott Kleinberg: Easy. The i500.
Tracy Swartz: Trace to the bottom.
Brian Moore: The Free Beer 500. Attendance would be through the roof!
Whizzer: Invisible Fence 400. Let’s see how you humans handle a little shock.
TOPIC 4: WHAT NASCAR CLICHE DO YOU LIVE UP TO?
Phillip Thompson: I’m actually paler than Scott; I just have a farmer’s tan like you wouldn’t believe.
Scott Kleinberg: I used to run four or five wide, but now I stick to three wide. Much safer.
Tracy Swartz: I went to UF. I live all the NASCAR cliches.
Brian Moore: I have a red neck, but only because I don’t use sunblock.
Whizzer: My doghouse doubles as an RV.
TOPIC 5: JUST 11 DAYS UNTIL BEARS TRAINING CAMP. HOW DO YOU FEEL?
Phillip Thompson: Nasty, icky and Grossman.
Scott Kleinberg: Pretty good, thanks. A little tired. About training camp, though, I feel completely bored.
Tracy Swartz: Thirsty. Wait, did you say “Beers” or “Bears”?
Brian Moore: Under pressure. I haven’t even begun thinking about fantasy football yet.
Whizzer: Relieved that it’ll provide a distraction during the Cubs’ collapse.
