Kelly Guist’s first date with a cute guy she met at a party was a disaster.
It started out bad. He talked about himself incessantly — and about how much money he made — and he was rude to the waitress, whom he called “Honey.”
It got worse. “He scooted his chair over to me and put his arm around me … and then he pulled a boob grab. I just kind of threw his arm off,” said Guist, 32, who lives in Albany Park.
Things hit rock bottom when he only offered to pay the tip, not the bill, for dinner, Guist said. Fuming, she paid using her credit card. “That’s OK, I’ll take care of it, but promise me you’ll never call me again,” she remembers telling him.
But after that night in 2002, he e-mailed her and called twice.
“I thought I was pretty clear I didn’t want to see him again,” said Guist, now married.
Getting the first date is hard enough, but the rules are changing. If you’re not careful, you could screw up — before the date, on the date and even after the date. Relationship experts clued RedEye in to some of the many potential blunders to avoid if you want the date to go well, so well that it could possibly be the last first date you ever go on.
Pre-date
Most experts agree it’s best to request a first date over the phone.
While there are no uncomfortable silences when you text, it can be impersonal, experts said.
Hearing him or her on the phone gives you clues, especially in the tone of voice, which could indicate excitement or dread, said Jason Tesauro, coauthor of “The Modern Gentleman: A Guide to Essential Manners, Savvy & Vice.” “Isn’t it worth it to get her on the phone to hear a twinge of nervousness?” he said.
Technology gives daters a new set of ways to screw up, even before the first date, said Anna David, a sex expert and author of “Party Girl.” “With Twitter and Facebook and all these things, you probably shouldn’t be saying, ‘I’m out with Sue Sanchez tonight,’ ” she said.
Real-life faux pas: After exchanging numbers with a guy she met at a bar (a different guy than Mr. Dine-and-Dash), Guist got an e-mail with a link to his blog. “I went to his blog and he had a big, long blog entry on me. I didn’t know whether to be flattered or freaked out,” she said.
He called and they talked, but she told him she already had weekend plans. Still, he left multiple messages and called her for the next two months. She said she worried she might have to change her number.
“A month and a half later, he left me a message: ‘Hey Kelly, me and my friends are going to the beach. Thought you might want to come along.’ As if we had been hanging out this whole time,” Guist said.
They never made it out on a first date.
On the date
Everything from conversation to behavior matters.
Leave your bad attitude, emotional baggage and F-bombs at home. Do pick a place you both enjoy where there’s some sort of activity involved and time to talk, said Patti Feinstein, a dating coach in Chicago. Avoid a movie, where you can’t talk, or a bar, where you could run into your friends or an ex.
Forget the rule about politics being off limits, Feinstein said. “It’s just so fascinating right now. How can you not [talk about it]?”
But don’t admit something that could scare off your date: “Don’t say, ‘I Googled you,’ because it looks like you’re stalking them. Yes we all do it, but we don’t need to admit it on the first date,” Feinstein said.
Also, nobody wants to hear about your every accomplishment or your future plans on the first date, said Jennifer Kelton, dating expert and author of “Don’t Use My Sweater Like a Towel.”
“Don’t talk about your biological clock, how many kids you want to have, your time frame of ‘I want to be married by the time I’m 27 and I want kids by the time I’m 33.’ ” she said.
Keep the drinking under control and don’t stage a belch-fest, experts said. Equally important is turning off all electronics, because it’s rude to text or answer the phone while on the date. “If you’re really that addicted to your CrackBerry, then look at it in the bathroom,” Kelton said.
Real-life faux pas: “I had a terrible first date once. I was in high school and I went to visit a girl in a different city,” said Rob Tuliszewski, now 25 and living in Andersonville.
“We were meeting at a party and she was supposed to drive later, but when I got there she was slamming shots and falling down. She was wasted, just hammered,” he remembers. “The cops came and it got busted, and she didn’t want to get in the back of the car and eventually vomited all over the window. So there I was at 2 a.m. in 20-degree weather, scraping puke off a car.”
Post-date
If you’re not feeling any chemistry, it’s OK to say it, said David, the sex expert and author. “If you don’t like the person, saying, ‘I don’t really feel there is a connection’ is a good thing,” she said.
Still, there are ways to tell if your date will be receptive if you make a move.
Tesauro said there are opportunities during the date to put your hand on top of your date’s, for example, and gauge the date’s response. But be sure not to “be so coy that your coolness is being mistaken for disinterest,” he said.
Before you go diving in for the kiss, set the mood a little: Recap the date and go over the fun parts, Tesauro said. Then, hug and hold it for a moment.
“If she’s not wanting that to happen, this is her chance to let you know” in case you’ve missed the signs, Tesauro said
And what about sex on the first date?
“We all want to have a bit of the chase and a bit of the mystery,” Kelton, the dating expert, said of both men and women. “If you give it up that quickly … the guy probably isn’t going to call you again, except for a booty call. I think if a guy is really into you, he’s going to wait.”
But Feinstein said there’s no right or wrong on sex on the first date. “It’s going to be up to the two people. You make your own rule and then you break it when you feel like it.”
Real-life faux pas: When Natalie Ryan accepted a study-and-dinner date in college, she didn’t count on the guy coming over and stripping down in less than five minutes. She went to get him a drink from the kitchen and returned to find him in her bed.
“What are you doing?” Ryan, 29, of Humboldt Park remembers asking him.
Nothing happened, and she told him to leave.
“That pretty much killed it,” she said.
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Always call the next day unless you both obviously had a miserable time, said author Jason Tesauro. Ideally, you’d say thanks and set up a second date in one phone call, he said. If your date doesn’t pick up, you’re allowed one more call.
That’s two calls, max.
“You don’t get a third call to say, ‘Um, did you not like me?'” Tesauro said.
If you’ve heard nothing after the two calls, you’re allowed to drop an e-mail a month later just in case your date got preoccupied or was traveling, he said. But that’s it.
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lvivanco@tribune.com
