Chicago sports personality Mike North joins us on Wednesdays. You’re welcome any day. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Phillip Thompson
Mike North
Tracy Swartz
Leo Ebersole
Jimmy Greenfield
TOPIC 1: STEVE BARTMAN SIGNING ONE AUTOGRAPH FOR $25,000 WOULD BE LIKE …
… handing an NAACP Image Award to Flavor Flav.
… a miracle — you can’t buy Bartman!
… Punxsutawney Phil picking spring for $25K. Rats can smell a trap.
… Britney Spears flashing the paparazzi for 25 cents and a Popsicle.
… a chance for something good to come out of this for the guy.
TOPIC 2: THE NFL AND NBC WILL SHOW SUNDAY NIGHT GAMES LIVE ONLINE. WHAT’S NEXT IN SPORTS TECHNOLOGY?
A Kerry Wood that’s almost completely made up of cybernetic parts.
Maybe the NHL on national TV.
Five on Five live — sponsored by Rogaine, cruellers and soft weeping.
FavrePod: Personal earbuds that block out the words “I am announcing my retirement.”
Instant messaging with the cheerleaders during the game.
TOPIC 3: OFFICE DEPOT AND OLD SPICE WILL SPONSOR TONY STEWART IN ’09. PICK SOMEONE ELSE’S SPONSOR.
Prince Fielder needs a sponsor for Snack Cakes Anonymous.
Marconi Giardinera and
Michael Andretti.
Brady Quinn’s sponsored by Lindsay Lohan tights. “LiLo and play dead.”
Ryan Braun is the Braun-y Man. He’s mopping up the slop the Cubs are throwing him.
I’d find Cedric Benson’s sponsor at Alcoholics Anonymous.
TOPIC 4: WHAT IS EVERTON FC?
It’s either a British soccer team or a powerful new anti-fungal medication from Pfizer.
A ball player who hit into a fielder’s choice?
Football club also called the Toffees (what Phil uses when playing “stranger-danger”).
I’ll tell you what it’s not: “Everton Free Chicken.” I learned that the hard way.
The worst Five on Five question ever asked.
TOPIC 5: HOW WOULD THE ST. LOUIS RAMS BE DIFFERENT IF RUSH LIMBAUGH BOUGHT THEM?
All the receivers would have to play on the right wing.
They would have a corner on illegal prescription pills.
Then talking about the Rams would officially be called “hate speech.” What a pill.
You could run “victory left” on every play. They’d never see it coming.
Free pills for everyone!
