In a time when legends are made on the world stage, these five panelists are balancing it all out with their mediocrity. Log onto redeyechicago.com/facebookfives and join them.
TOPIC: 1. What will it take to make Bears fans love Rex Grossman?
Tracy Swartz: Love Potion No. 9-wins-in-a-row or makeup Rex. Whichever comes first.
Phillip Thompson: A court order.
Brian Moore: He can start by learning to handle the snap from center.
Leo Ebersole: Would it kill him to ask how OUR day was? Jerk.
‘That Guy’: Early retirement.
TOPIC: 2. The Bears play the Seahawks on Saturday. What might they encounter in Seattle?
Tracy Swartz: Grunge, cappuccino, and heroines like Mrs. Bill Gates.
Phillip Thompson: Nothing threatening. When they talk about whom they’ll “whip,” they’re referring to a Frappuccino.
Brian Moore: A competent quarterback in Matt Hasselbeck. Fortunately, not Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
Leo Ebersole: The Seattle SuperSonics … packing their U-Hauls. Ooooooh. Too soon?
‘That Guy’: Bag Boy! OMG, ‘member those Seattle chicks we hooked up with at Moe’s? So money!
TOPIC: 3. “Madden” came out this week. What’s your favorite sports game?
Tracy Swartz: H-O-R-S-E, though I always lose to Heidi Montag (usually on the last letter).
Phillip Thompson: If only there was a Madden Foosball. My spin shot deserves a telestrator.
Brian Moore: Tecmo Bowl. Primitive graphics aside, it was downright groundbreaking on the original NES.
Leo Ebersole: “Predict which USC cheerleader will be on Cinemax in three years.”
‘That Guy’: Hogging 2008.
TOPIC: 4. Who’s your Chicago baseball MVP at this point, and why?
Tracy Swartz: The guy who sells the churros. He’s rolling in the dough.
Phillip Thompson: Aramis Ramirez, if only for getting Erin Andrews to call him “Rammie.”
Brian Moore: “That Guy” for sending his army of clones into the Wrigley bleachers.
Leo Ebersole: Jermaine Dye is the ricotta in the Sox’s lasagna. Wait, that sounded creepy …
‘That Guy’: Wait, what was the question? I was tucking my chest hair back into my shirt.
TOPIC: 5. Give the U.S. some trash talk to use on its top rivals at the Olympics.
Tracy Swartz: China’s gymnasts suffered a black eye; we’ve got Michael Phelps, the gold version of “that guy.”
Phillip Thompson: Speaking of rivals, did you know Carmelo Anthony’s Chinese nickname is “Sweet Melon”? Shyeah.
Brian Moore: The only medal ceremony you’re gonna take part in is the ceremonial door hitting your butt on the way home.
Leo Ebersole: Dear England: Please note that the medals are to be worn as trophies, not used as tooth fillings.
‘That Guy’: Hey France, I wasted a whole Google search on Laure Manaudou. Thanks for nothing.
