You can follow the exploits of this entourage for free. But know that if we ever got our own TV show, it would air on Animal Planet. redeyechicago.com/facebookfives
TOPIC 1: How does the public know that you are, in fact, ready for some football?
JIMMY GREENFIELD: When it gets cold, my nipples don’t poke out. They get into a three-point stance.
PHILLIP THOMPSON: I’m having my head shaved and tattooing white football laces into my cranium.
LEO EBERSOLE: There’s an “illegal touching” joke to be had here somewhere.
TRACY SWARTZ: The Gators champstamp I got, because we’re back.
“THAT GUY”: I usually put a sock on my door.
TOPIC 2: Cowboys-Patriots is the obvious Super Bowl pick. Give your own obvious prediction for the NFL.
JIMMY GREENFIELD: The Bengals will set a league record for attorney’s fees.
PHILLIP THOMPSON: Eli and Peyton Manning again will compete for goofiest look, and again will lose to Terry Bradshaw.
LEO EBERSOLE: The Oakland Raiders’ season will play out exactly like “I Survived a Japanese Game Show.”
TRACY SWARTZ: Like a Lifetime movie “star,” my fantasy team, SwartzCenter, always picks the wrong men.
“THAT GUY”: Player caught with drugs, guns or strippers. Gets exonerated. Joins Cowboys.
TOPIC 3: How could we help drum up some interest in tennis’ U.S. Open?
JIMMY GREENFIELD: No more boundaries. Think about it.
PHILLIP THOMPSON: New interactive game: Guess which one’s James Blake?
LEO EBERSOLE: Release a lion into the arena after every double fault.
TRACY SWARTZ: Let the drums be Nadal’s abs.
“THAT GUY”: Foam parties between sets.
TOPIC 4: Would you ever put off surgery to do your job?
JIMMY GREENFIELD: Not this job.
PHILLIP THOMPSON: Only if it’s a vasectomy.
LEO EBERSOLE: Of course not. The doc said I needed a lobotomy, and I immediately sfd’itjasfdgghhhh.
TRACY SWARTZ: Plastic surgery? Is my job to be Heidi Montag or to have low self-esteem? Same diff?
“THAT GUY”: No. My game would be shot without my calf implants.
TOPIC 5: An Olympic medalist will compete on “Survivor: Gabon.” Who else should go?
JIMMY GREENFIELD: Gabo! I’m a bad widdle boy!
PHILLIP THOMPSON: Some place with the word “gab” in it demands the presence of Chad Johnson.
LEO EBERSOLE: Terrell Owens. Finally, we could win immunity from him.
TRACY SWARTZ: Phil or Leo. I hear Gabon has an especially long dry season. They should fit in nicely.
“THAT GUY”: Charlie Weis. He’ll eat anything.
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tswartz@tribune.com
redeyesports@tribune.com
