The NFL is back, and these five tackling dummies couldn’t be happier. Sign up and join the fun at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
LEO EBERSOLE lebersole@tribune.com
BRIAN MOORE brmoore@tribune.com
PHILLIP THOMPSON plthompson@tribune.com
TRACY SWARTZ tswartz@tribune.com
JIMMY GREENFIELD jgreenfield@tribune.com
1. You’ve seen the future of the Bears, and the future is …
… going to play out eerily similar to the future of Miley Cyrus, annulled marriages included.
… full of anguish, pain and uncertainty. And that’s just at quarterback.
… a lot like “Terminator 4.”
… no way, I’m not going to influence their future. The Bears have enough trouble under the influence …
… playing Division I football somewhere or, God forbid, in high school.
2. Fill in the blanks: “—- is —- than the Bears.”
“The country of Georgia” is “only slightly more precarious along its offensive line” than the Bears.
“Having your back waxed” is “slightly more enjoyable” than the Bears. Right, Jimmy?
“Gov. Palin” is “more prepared” than the Bears.
“Impotence in U.S. males” is “a bigger problem” than the Bears, but neither group can make it work.
“A blank line” is “more interesting” than the Bears.
3. Devin Hester is to the Bears as …
… “Guys Gone Wild” is to Tracy’s DVD collection.
… oxygen, water and sunlight is to living beings.
… Twista is to rappers.
… Speedy Gonzalez is to Looney Tunes. He’s the fastest mouse who doesn’t speak English.
… lobster is to French bread. Seriously, lobster roll? Most overrated sandwich ever.
4. Which teams do you see facing off in the Super Bowl this season?
The Redskins and the cast of “Flight of the Conchords.” My hallucinations tend to be pretty specific.
The Vikings and the Jets. Pretty much a Bears fan’s nightmare.
Cowboys and Patriots. “Oh no, who do I root for?” asks Satan.
Rams vs. Jaguars. Maybe a good Ramming would finally push Jacksonville and its creatures into the ocean.
Dallas and New England. In other news, I’ll tase myself if that happens.
5. Who is your fantasy player of the year this season?
David Garrard. Mark my words.
Brett Favre. He’s got something to prove, and he’ll do it.
Adrian Peterson will be the most prolific scorer since Scott Baio.
A lady never wishes and tells.
Frank Gore. The 49ers are better, and he was great even when they weren’t.
