Sound the alarm.
Please tell the Joint Chiefs that as of today, we’ve been elevated to defcon 4.
Station 51, Squad 51, we have two three-alarm fires, one on 35th Street and the Dan Ryan, the other at Clark and Addison. Split the squad, respond accordingly.
This is not a test of the emergency broadcast system. It is an actual emergency, so please turn to Channel 48.5 for more info.
The Cubs are imploding. It’s bad enough Rich Harden has a sore arm. By the way, I think this guy had surgery on his arm a few years ago. The doctors installed glass plates in order to increase brittleness.
It looks like someone posted this memo in the locker room: “Guys, pitching looks shorthanded; we’re all a little tired. … We’ve got a decent lead over Milwaukee, lets take September off.”
I can’t say it any better than Lou Piniella himself. Go kick somebody’s butt. I’ve been wanting to say that for years, and he did it for me.
The Sox need to go kick somebody’s butt too. Watching these guys play … I don’t know. These guys are so wounded and battered right now; I think the final game against the Twins is going to resemble the final scene in “Saving Private Ryan” where Tom Hanks is shooting at a tank with a pistol.
By the way, I’ve aged 20 years in the last month. Just once, I’d like to see one of these teams finish with no drama. Instead, it’s always like this.
Hey, when I’m wrong, I’m wrong. Bears, I was wrong. You took Lou’s advice and kicked someone’s butt.
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Whizzer’s baaaaaack!
OK, folks, I got so busy handicapping the Bears’ season last week that I didn’t give you the rest of the NFL’s picks. Or maybe I didn’t want to get called out: “Whizzer, why didn’t you tell us about Tom Brady?” No matter, here are Week 2’s picks.
Game, time, TV; The spread; The pick
Bears at Carolinanoon, Fox, WBBM-AM 780; Panthers by 3; Bears
Indianapolis at Minnesota, noon, CBS; Colts by 2; Colts
Green Bay at Detroit, noon; Packers by 3; Packers
N.Y. Giants at St. Louis, noon; Giants by 8 1/2; Giants
Oakland at Kansas City, noon; Chiefs by 3 1/2; Chiefs
New Orleans at Washington, noon; Off; Saints
Tennessee at Cincinnati, noon; Bengals by 1; Bengals
Buffalo at Jacksonville, noon; Jaguars by 5 1/2; Bills
San Francisco at Seattle, 3:05; Seahawks by 7; Seahawks
Atlanta at Tampa Bay, 3:05; Bucs by 7; Falcons
New England at N.Y. Jets, 3:15 p.m., CBS; Jets by 1 1/2; Jets
Miami at Arizona, 3:15; Cardinals by 6 1/2; Cardinals
San Diego at Denver, 3:15; Chargers by 1 1/2; Chargers
Pittsburgh at Cleveland, 7:15 p.m., NBC; Steelers by 6; Steelers
Philadelphia at Dallas, 7:30 p.m., Mon., ESPN; Cowboys by 7; Eagles
Baltimore at Houston, 7:30, Mon.; Texans by 4 1/2; Ravens
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redeyesports@tribune.com
