At long last, you find that special someone you can’t get enough of. Those eyes. Those dimples. Those … parents?
Most relationships reach a point when the love affair must make room for the family affair. You have to meet the parents, which can be a nerve-wracking occasion for everyone involved.
Hollywood would have it all go tragically wrong.
Witness “Worst Week,” a CBS comedy series premiering Monday about a well-meaning young man who spends a disastrous week at his fiance’s parents’ house. The hapless hero manages to turn up at the front door wearing nothing but a plastic diaper, set fire to a prized painting and urinate on a goose meant for dinner. (Anyone who has seen “Meet the Parents” may experience deja vu.)
In real life, you don’t have to accidentally pee on dinner for the parental meeting to be fraught with tension.
The well-prepared come armed with a breath mint and bottle of good shiraz, yet silently fret: Is my shirt too low-cut? Is my sarcasm going over well? What was it that I should never, under any circumstance, bring up in conversation?
“People tend to over-stress about the meeting with the parents because they misinterpret it as some kind of audition, and it’s really not,” said Erin Flaherty, love and sex editor at Yahoo! Shine, an online community for women. “Don’t think of it as a pass/fail test.”
Still, following certain rules can help ensure a smooth encounter. To help you avoid disaster — and even dazzle your partner’s folks — RedEye offers this guide to meeting the parents, based on advice from dating experts and regular Chicagoans with lessons learned on the front lines.
Do’s
Do … Do your homework.
Before the meeting, find out what the parents do for a living, their hobbies, vacations they’ve taken — anything you could use for conversation.
For Sarah Bergman, 28, that means studying Indian culture to prepare for the first meeting with her boyfriend’s parents, planned for this weekend. Bergman, who lives in Lakeview, has been practicing words in their native Telugu language and has learned how to cook Indian food so she can hold her own when talk turns to spices.
Your significant other should also give you the lay of the land so that you’re prepared for certain personalities and sensitive situations.
“Did someone just get a very messy divorce? Or come out of the closet?” said Sherry Amatenstein, author of “Q&A Dating Book” and an iVillage dating columnist. “It’s nice to know ahead of time.”
Do … Bring a gift.
Even if your partner assures you a gift is not necessary, bring one anyway. Gifts win major points.
Vicky Castorena, a 20-year-old student who lives in Tinley Park, said she bakes Mexican wedding cookies when she meets boyfriends’ parents, and they’re always a hit. When meeting a boyfriend’s mother who had just had surgery, Castorena put together a get-well basket containing the mom’s favorite cookies and candies.
A good idea is to give a gift that represents who you are or where you’re from, said Josey Miller, senior editor of love and wedding topics at iVillage. For example, Chicagoans might give out-of-town parents a tub of Garrett’s popcorn, said Miller, a Northbrook native.
Another way into parents’ hearts is through a thank-you note, said 28-year-old Katie Haupman of Lincoln Park. She sent a thank-you note to her boyfriend’s parents after spending a week with his family in Michigan, and they were still raving about how thoughtful it was when she saw them again months later.
Do … Dress conservatively.
That’s not to say you should dress like you’re in the church choir if your fashion sensibilities are more rock ‘n’ roll.
“They’re going to discover your personality eventually anyway,” Miller said.
Just dress in the more traditional or conservative side of your style, she said. (For example, wear leather pants instead of a leather mini skirt.)
For 24-year-old Mike Chu of Gurnee, that means taking out his multiple earrings before he visits his girlfriend’s parents next month. “Her parents are more traditional,” he said.
Do … Be exceedingly polite.
In addition to the heavy use of “please” and “thank you,” be careful not to swear, always offer to clear and wash the dishes, and be sure to give compliments. Remark on how well-decorated the house is, how beautiful the garden is, how wonderful their son or daughter is, Amatenstein said. Mean what you say, though, or you’ll come off as fake.
Alex Buholzer, 25, said he makes it a point to be a gentleman and hold the door open, “for the mom especially.” It pays off, he said.
“I’m in that lucky category of parents always liking me,” said Bulhozer, who lives in Gurnee.
Do … Laugh off embarrassing missteps.
Lyndsay Watt, 20, recalls her most mortifying meet-the-parents moment, which came during dinner the first night she met the parents of a guy she’d been dating for a year.
“I was cutting my pork chops,” she said, “and the plate flipped over and dumped the food all over me.” She was humiliated, but “they just laughed at me,” said Watt, who lives in Oak Lawn.
Laughing is the best way to get past mini-disasters.
“You need to infuse some light-heartedness and humor into this situation,” Miller said.
Do … Remember that the parents are just as nervous.
Bonnie Garneau of Elmhurst has met many young ladies since her two sons, 34 and 37, and lesbian daughter, 38, started bringing girlfriends home. It’s always stressful, she said.
“The biggest thing you’re worried about is that you might not like them, and then what do you do?” Garneau, 66, said. “Or if you just love them to death, and then they break up, what do you do?”
Garneau also worries that some awkward comment will pop out of her mouth — revealing her shock when her daughter’s girlfriend showed up with a shaved head, or her distaste when her son’s girlfriend showed up wearing a few too many layers of makeup. First impressions matter, she said, but parents have to take care not to judge too quickly.
The girlfriends who have impressed Garneau most were those who brought flowers, or who asked questions about the parents’ lives that showed they’d done their homework.
“That was impressive to me that they had actually thought about us as people rather than just parents,” she said.
Don’t’s
Don’t … Try to be the life of the party right away.
Take a few moments to observe the family and figure out their temperament, and take their cues for how to behave, Flaherty said.
“Are they expecting you to be outgoing, or should you just be sitting there saying please and thank you?” she said.
Don’t … Take it upon yourself to tell your partner’s folks the nature of your relationship.
When Katie Edwards, 23, introduced her boyfriend to her parents four months into their relationship, the couple made sure to avoid any talk that could reveal they were living together or taking vacations together (now they’ve been dating more than three years and the parents know they live together on the Near North Side).
You don’t want to reveal something your partner hasn’t, so as a general rule each person should break news about the relationship to his/her own parents, Flaherty said.
Don’t … Talk about politics, religion or sex.
While it seems unlikely dinner talk would turn to sex, it happened to 26-year-old Shahbaz Shah. Things got awkward when his girlfriend’s parents started chatting about a study showing women who have a lot of sex have better complexions.
“I just kept laughing,” Shah, of Ravenswood, remembers.
Politics and religion, meanwhile, might not be so funny. Generally, on first meetings it’s best to avoid topics that get people emotional, Flaherty said.
If you find the Obama vs. McCain conversation unavoidable, “be honest, but resist the urge to get pulled into a debate,” Flaherty said. “Keep your answers neutral, then change the subject.”
Not everyone agrees those topics are taboo.
“As long as people are intelligent, and they’re not die-hard and unwilling to listen, you should be OK,” said Lakeview resident Ian Coburn, author of “God is a Woman: Dating Disasters.”
Don’t … Leave your visiting partner alone with a family member they just met.
Coburn said a girlfriend once took him home to meet her parents, and she left him with her grandmother while she went to an aunt’s house to make cookies and candies for Christmas.
“We ran out of things to talk about after five minutes,” Coburn recalls. “All I could hear was the clock ticking.”
Don’t … Leave your visiting partner out of the conversation.
When Jeremy Brooks, 31, introduced his now-wife Lauren Pintor, 32, to his family, he got so swept up catching up with his siblings that Pintor was left listening to long conversations about people and topics she knew nothing about.
“I felt a little left out,” Pintor said.
Don’t … Agree to meet the parents if you’re not serious about the relationship.
No set amount of time must pass before you meet the parents, but you generally should avoid it if the relationship is just a fling or you’re not yet sure how you feel about the person you’re dating.
“To meet them anyway is a way to lead him on,” Miller said. “Don’t involve more people than necessary if you don’t feel [the relationship is] going in that direction.”
Of course, spending a weekend with the family over the holidays is different from meeting the parents at an afternoon barbecue, and the latter isn’t a big deal, Coburn notes.
Still, Coburn says, “don’t use your parents to decide how much you like the person.”
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aelejalderuiz@tribune.com
