Our panelists are jockeying for postseason positions. No matter what they do, they always end up on the bottom of the totem pole.
TOPIC 1: Come up with a new and unique way for the Cubs to flop in the playoffs.
Brian Moore: Soriano loses control of his bat, and it hits Zambrano in the dugout. Series over.
Phillip Thompson: Alfonso Soriano hops and trips onto Kerry Wood’s shoulder.
Tracy Swartz: Lou can bellyflop, then fans will really give him a smackdown.
“That Guy”: Jim Hendry hires Charlie Weiss as third-base coach. He eats all the players.
Jimmy Greenfield: No.
TOPIC 2: Who would win a debate: Lou Piniella or Ozzie Guillen?
Brian Moore: If there were no bases around for Lou to throw, Ozzie would easily out-shout him.
Phillip Thompson: If by “debate” you mean haymakers, my money’s with Lou.
Tracy Swartz: Lou’s got the bigger mouth. All the better to eat you with, you big handsome Spam.
“That Guy”: Lou, if kicking is allowed.
Jimmy Greenfield: Ozzie, because he’d win by refusing to stop talking.
TOPIC 3: What’s the proper way to approach a meaningless baseball game?
Brian Moore: Same way the Sox approach all their games: Trying to steal the Cubs’ spotlight.
Phillip Thompson: Draw on your Bulls-watching experience.
Tracy Swartz: Ask the Reds. They’ve been playing meaningless baseball for years.
“That Guy”: Body shots between innings.
Jimmy Greenfield: Make sure Corey Patterson gets in the game.
TOPIC 4: The Bears play on national TV in prime time Sunday. What will America see?
Brian Moore: Bad beards, bad passes and bad play-calling. And that’s just the pregame warmup.
Phillip Thompson: They’ll mistake Donovan McNabb’s aerial attack for the halftime fireworks show.
Tracy Swartz: “Desperate Housewives.” Poor Mrs. Orton.
“That Guy”: A cluster … you know the rest.
Jimmy Greenfield: If they’re smart, they’ll be watching “Hee-Haw” reruns instead.
TOPIC 5: What Chicago sports franchise needs a federal bailout?
Brian Moore: The Bulls. They wouldn’t be any worse if Henry Paulson were the coach.
Phillip Thompson: Cubs … by way of the Tribune. Send nickels, dimes, money orders … oh, uh, hello, Mr. Zell.
Tracy Swartz: The Bears could use a bailout of jail and their contracts.
“That Guy”: Are the Blackhawks still a team? Can we trade them for a Cubs reliever?
Jimmy Greenfield: The Bears. It would include $700 billion and a new quarterback.
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brmoore@tribune.com
plthompson@tribune.com
tswartz@tribune.com
redeyesports@tribune.com
jgreenfield@tribune.com
