Some travel in pantsuits, but Mo Buti’s sisterhood prefers cocktail dresses. And Buti? She’s the one in the wedding gown.
Not that she’s getting married, mind you. She planned to, back in ’07 — designed a dress, hired a band, registered for gifts. But the groom called it off. So Buti did what women do in a time of crisis: She turned to her sisterhood.
“My friends were so supportive,” says Buti, 40. “They were the ones saying, ‘Look how healthy you are! You’re in great shape! Your job is amazing!’ They’re there for me. Always.”
Then, she planned a party.
On a beautiful late September evening, on the first floor of an elegant condo building on Lake Shore Drive, Buti danced and laughed and ate from a stiletto-shaped cake with 80 or so friends and relatives. Later, she opened the gifts from her slightly tweaked registry. In short, she celebrated.
“I love this part of my life,” says Buti, who manages the Autism Department for the Chicago Public Schools. “I finally realized I don’t have to be sad. I love my job. I love my life. I’m celebrating my life — it’s just not my life with someone else.”
At least not the someone else she originally had in mind.
“It’s really a celebration for everyone I have to look up to and be happy about,” Buti says. “Especially my little sister, Colleen, who’s been super supportive. It’s kind of like me giving back after all the time and energy they spent to help me feel better.”
“Tend and befriend” is how the experts label this behavior. And it’s something women are particularly good at. A landmark UCLA study in 2002 found that when women experience stress, their bodies release the hormone oxytocin, which encourages them to tend children and huddle with other women. It’s the opposite of “fight or flight,” which scientists long believed was the natural human response to stress. Men, the study found, also release oxytocin, but its effects are reduced by testosterone. Estrogen, on the other hand, enhances oxytocin.
“Science proves that female friends are essential to a happy and healthy life,” says Tina Bishop, co-owner of Girl friendCelebrations.com, a Web site based in Lombard that encourages women to cultivate their friendships.
All too often, Bishop says, women allow their friendships to fizzle while they care for children, parents, households and other responsibilities. But your sisterhood is your lifeline. And it, too, needs care.
“Women have needs that only other women can fill,” says Dawn Bertuca, Bishop’s business partner. “You can’t really talk to a man about your mammogram or your fears about childbirth. Women let you connect with your true self — who you were before you became a mother or a wife.”
And it’s not enough, Bertuca and Bishop stress, to chat on the phone here and there. You’ve got to get out your calendar and plan some dates.
“Make friendship a priority,” says Bertuca. “Make phone calls every week, make an invitation every week until you get the results you want.”
“You can’t take care of other people if you’re not taking care of yourself,” adds Bishop.
The week after Buti’s non-wedding celebration, she reflected on some of her favorite moments from the evening: Her sister Colleen’s toast was a biggie. Her dad’s pride as he introduced himself to her co-workers. And the presence of her best friend, Laura Buzzelli, whom she has known since age 4.
“She was asked on a date [for] that night and she told him, ‘Nope. I’ve got plans,'” Buti says. “It’s funny because she said, ‘Ten years ago I’d be like, “Yeah! A date!” But tonight I’m celebrating with Mo.’ That meant a lot.”
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How to plan your girls’ night out …
FASTER
Do dessert
If dinner out is impossible to squeeze in (waiting for a table, waiting for your food, waiting for your check, waiting for your change, you get the picture), plan to meet for dessert instead. We love the sweets and the ambience at Hot Chocolate (1747 N. Damen Ave.), which stays open until midnight Thursday through Saturday. Or head to Greektown’s Artopolis Bakery Cafe and Agora (306 S. Halsted St.) and choose from a colorful array of fresh-baked pastries and other goodies (open until midnight every night).
CHEAPER
Swap cool stuff
Plan a book swap party. Each pal brings a favorite book to share, and you all go home with something new to read — for free! And skip the home sale parties (jewelry, purses, candles, etc.). “They really don’t do anything to further friendship — in fact, they can alienate people,” says Dawn Bertuca, co-owner of GirlfriendCelebrations.com. “Put a genuine girls’ night together, and your friends will be surprised and delighted that they don’t have to open their checkbooks and you truly want their company.”
BETTER
Cook up a party
Steal a page from those meal-prep joints and host your own cooking party. You get to bond with friends and cross items off your to-do list! GirlfriendCelebrations.com offers these tips: Pick a simple theme (casseroles, chilis, soups, etc.). Pick up a few extra spatulas, measuring cups and other utensils at the dollar store. Have plenty of freezer bags and aluminum foil on hand. And, of course, clean your kitchen beforehand.
— H.S.
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5 ways to strengthen your sisterhood
Dawn Bertuca and Tina Bishop, co-owners of GirlfriendCelebrations .com, suggest the following steps to maintain (or salvage) your female friendships.
Commit: Get out your calendar and schedule one girls’ night (or day) for each of the next 12 months. Put a different girlfriend in charge of planning each one.
Make a date: Browse the entertainment section of your newspaper for events you’d like to attend. Call one girlfriend today with a specific invitation.
Do good: Select a charity and plan a girlfriend event to benefit it. It can be a fundraiser, food drive or outing to help at a local food pantry.
Console: Think of a friend who is under some stress right now. Bring her coffee, chocolate, flowers, chicken soup or whatever you think might brighten her day.
Connect: Create a tradition at your next girls’ night by bringing something that can be passed from girlfriend to girlfriend. It might be an MP3 player that one friend is responsible to fill for the next gathering or a basket that can be filled with munchies. Or start a girlfriend journal. Each woman writes in it for a week and passes it to the next friend.
— H.S.
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hstevens@tribune.com
