1. He’ll be back
Contrary to a rumor circulating on the Internet, Tom Cruise did not fall off a cliff and die. That’s just ridiculous. The truth: He fell, then his body re-formed, Terminator-style, and he walked away in perfect health.
2. Happy days
Sarah Palin is set to go on “Saturday Night Live.” She’s bringing the AK-47 in case anyone in the audience misses the “applause” sign.
3. New age
Elsewhere, the Obama campaign has placed ads in 18 video games, a move expected to stir a new generation of Americans to yell from the basement at their moms to go vote for them.
4. Belly flop!
The party was going great … until someone told Katy Perry about the cake.
5. Cheerio
Sadly, Guy Ritchie and Madonna have split. It’s unclear how much money each will end up with, or how long Madonna will continue pretending she’s British.
6. Collateral damage
But seriously, it’s not fair to make light of a divorce, especially when there are children and about 1,500 pairs of cone-shaped bras involved.
7. Take cover
A Pennsylvania man made national news this week by eating a 15-pound burger. He then made local news by stepping into a restroom.
8. Same difference
Mayor Daley announced he will shut down almost all city services for three days to save some money. The mayor’s selling it to city workers by telling them to think of it as a giant block of loafing time.
9. Reaching out
Angelina Jolie told the “Today” show she’s open to adopting more children, prompting a flood of applications from the financial industry.
