Poor Tori Spelling. We were shocked and dismayed to discover, in the course of reading her best-selling memoir, “sTORI TELLING,” that despite the designer Halloween costumes and the $50,000 shopping sprees, our heroine struggled all her life for something that most of us take for granted.
Tori, the former “Beverly Hills, 90210” star and daughter of mega-producer Aaron Spelling, just wanted to be normal.
Unfortunately, normal can be a slippery concept when the University of Southern California marching band plays at your 6th-grade graduation party. But that’s where we come in. As a service to Hollywood heiresses everywhere, we’ve taken the guesswork out of normal by mapping out Tori’s memoir on our stalwart yet culturally sensitive Midwestern Normality Scale.
NORMAL IN CHICAGO
Bonding with Dad while raking leaves and scooping dog poop
Marrying a nice guy who’s crazy about you
Feuding with your mom while planning your wedding
Getting divorced
NORMAL IN BEVERLY HILLS
Dropping the names of high-end hotels Chateau Marmont, The Four Seasons, The W Hotel, the Crescent Hotel and L’Hermitage Hotel in the course of describing the collapse of your marriage
Having Dean “Uncle Bean” Martin as your godfather
Leaving your nice-guy husband (Charlie Shanian) for your hot TV-movie co-star (Dean McDermott, at right, who would later become husband No. 2)
Closing down Dolce and Gabbana to shop; spending $50,000 in one visit
NORMAL ON HBO
Stripping down to your underwear so that a voodoo priestess can smear you with fresh chicken blood and vegetable products and spit alcohol in your face
Cheating on your nice-guy husband with a married man (McDermott)
Making a misleading statement (through your publicist) about living apart from your nice-guy husband (Shanian) when you began your romance with a married man (McDermott); the “living apart” was due solely to the fact that you were filming in Canada.
NOT AT ALL NORMAL
Solemnly quoting co-star Loni Anderson as a character witness in your feud with your mom. (“I’m sad for your mother. She has no idea what an amazing daughter she has. She doesn’t even know you. It’s her loss.”)
Using your memoir to disclose that you were not sexually attracted to your nice-guy first husband
Manipulating your therapist into telling your nice-guy first husband that you want out of the marriage
