Dear Amy: Please tell me if I owe my new daughter-in-law an apology. My son told me that his wife was planning on getting a dog for me as a birthday gift.
I plainly and directly told her that I did not want a dog, I would not accept a dog and would not keep a dog. I gave her some suggestions of what I would prefer, mainly a donation to a favorite charity.
It isn’t that I don’t like animals. My wife and I were raised on livestock farms, and continued to farm and raise animals after our marriage. The animals’ welfare always came first, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year. After our four children left home, we sold the livestock and are now enjoying the freedom of not having to rush home to take care of animals.
My daughter-in-law gave me the dog anyway. I politely told her I would not accept it. She said I was just being silly and should keep the dog for a few days. She said it would grow on me. She left the dog at my home over my objections. I returned it to the pet store, got the money refunded and gave the money to the Salvation Army.
Now I am the mean old father-in-law. My son has told her that she needed to respect my wishes in the first place.
I really like the girl. She is perfect match for my son, and they make a great couple. I think it is a case of being young and naive.
Do I owe her an apology?
— Big Old Meany
Dear Meany: It is the height of irresponsibility to give someone a dog when the recipient has already declined the animal. It is disrespectful to you — and the dog. This behavior is how thousands of unwanted animals end up in shelters each year.
Your daughter-in-law should apologize to you. You kindly assume she made a “rookie mistake,” but she blundered badly. She didn’t listen to you, she didn’t listen to her husband — you are correct that she was wrong.
You don’t owe your daughter-in-law an apology, but you could help her smooth things over by writing a note in which you express that you know her heart is in the right place. Say, “Every animal deserves to be in the right home, and I’m afraid you didn’t understand or didn’t believe me when I said I didn’t want to offer a home to a dog.” This should prompt the apology she absolutely needs to offer.
Dear Amy: I have two children in high school. They are good kids, good students and have nice friends. They have driver’s licenses, but neither one of them has a car because my husband and I don’t feel it’s necessary for teenagers to have their own cars. My kids take the school bus to and from school every day. There are at least 25 kids in our immediate neighborhood who also attend the same high school. Most of them have their own cars or their parents drive them.
I’ve had parents ask me how we can be so mean to make our kids take the bus?
What is wrong with all these parents who believe Susie or Johnny is too good to take the bus, and then look down at parents like us? Why don’t more kids take the bus?
What should we say to these people?
— Alone Parents
Dear Alone: I feel your pain. These parents are the same people who “feel sorry” for your kids when they don’t have cell phones, iPods or European vacations.
This presents a life lesson for your children. The school bus is a socially responsible and perfectly fine way to get to school. Your family’s values — not those around the cul-de-sac — are paramount.
One way to respond to people who tell you they feel sorry for your children is to say, “How about we make a deal — I won’t feel sorry for your kids if you won’t feel sorry for mine.”
Dear Amy: I’m responding to the letter from “The Lonely Dishwasher,” the college student whose roommates refused to do their dishes. My daughter — also a student — used to leave her dirty dishes in the sink for me to wash.
I got tired of reminding her that I wasn’t the maid, so one day I took all of her dirty dishes and piled them in her bed — the whole day’s worth. She got it!
— Smart Mom
Dear Smart: My sister, using similar tactics, pitched some my belongings out onto our front lawn one winter’s day. (I had left my stuff all over the house, as usual.)
I didn’t find some of my things until spring.
It worked.
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Contact Amy
Ask Amy appears Monday through Saturday in Live! and Sunday in Smart. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune .com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous columns are available at chicagotribune.com/amy.
