The Five on Five panelists love to compete. Too bad this is the only team any of them has ever been a part of!
TOPIC 1. Cubs bidder Mark Cuban was in hot water earlier this week. Who else needs to cool down?
Tracy Swartz: Leo. He breaks into a sweat when he sees mayo kiss beef on his sub.
Scott Bolohan: Hansel. He’s so hot right now.
Leo Ebersole: Tracy. All I’m saying is I overheard “handcuffs,” “chloroform” and “Tim Tebow” in the same sentence.
Supriya Doshi: Tracy whenever Jo Noah’s name comes up.
Jimmy Greenfield: Microbes that can survive only in hot water.
TOPIC 2. Illinois beating Northwestern would be like …
Tracy Swartz: … Supriya beating Leo so bad that even he can’t make it to a bowl.
Scott Bolohan: … Harvard beating Northwestern in a museum-trashing contest.
Leo Ebersole: … Sarah Palin mastering geography.
Supriya Doshi: … totally normal.
Jimmy Greenfield: … San Jacinto State beating Minnetonka Co-op.
TOPIC 3. Lance Briggs said his team didn’t play “Bear football” against the Packers on Sunday. Explain.
Tracy Swartz: Misspoke. I think he meant to say the team didn’t play “bearable football.”
Scott Bolohan: Less rushing yards allowed, more picnic baskets.
Leo Ebersole: He means they didn’t wait until the playoffs to lay that egg.
Supriya Doshi: Oh, he misspoke. He meant they didn’t play football, period.
Jimmy Greenfield: Well, it’s hard to get up for Packer games with first place on the line.
TOPIC 4. What should the Bulls take with them to Colorado?
Tracy Swartz: A walking stick with the hopes that they get to peak.
Scott Bolohan: Uniforms — so they don’t play bare basketball.
Leo Ebersole: I’m sure Kobe would agree: a good defense attorney.
Supriya Doshi: Skis. Bulls on the slopes would draw more of a crowd than their game.
Jimmy Greenfield: A molehill.
TOPIC 5. The Blackhawks play the Maple Leafs on Saturday. Come up with a wimpier team icon.
Tracy Swartz: Zac Efron, though his hair alone beats most of the men on this panel.
Scott Bolohan: The Toronto Jonas Brothers.
Leo Ebersole: The Conflict-Avoidant … no, wait, I got it: The Dodgers. No one would name their team that!
Supriya Doshi: The Five on Five Males.
Jimmy Greenfield: See Tracy’s photo.
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tswartz@tribune.com
redeyesports@tribune.com
lebersole@tribune.com
sdoshi@tribune.com
jgreenfield@tribune.com
