Personal problems such as divorce or a troubled marriage often become so overwhelming that they threaten to sabotage all aspects of one’s life, including career. During this challenging time, it becomes especially important to exercise as much “damage control” as possible.
To maintain your professional life despite your personal problems, you’ll need to prioritize at work in ways you might not have done in the past. To help you, divorce360.com asked for help from some divorce experts who offered career tips.
*Keep your divorce private. Tina B. Tessina, who also goes by the name Dr. Romance, is a licensed psychotherapist and author of “Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage” (Adams Media, $14.95). Tessina suggested avoiding telling anyone at work about the divorce unless they need to know for business reasons — if you have to take time off for court, your boss will need to know why. “Keep your personal life to yourself,” Tessina said. “That will make it much easier to leave your divorce stress out of the office.”
*Talk about your problems with someone outside of work. “It’s too expensive to talk to your attorney, and you need somewhere to blow off the steam,” she said. Ask a good friend or family member for support. If no one is available, go for counseling. “As a counselor, I have lawyers who refer divorcing clients to me,” she said. “I can help them calm down, stop them from acting out (which has severe repercussions in divorce) and help them decide how to talk to the mediator, the judge, their family members and in-laws, and their children about the situation.”
*Compartmentalize. “When you get in your car at home, shut the car door on the divorce — give yourself that drive time to escape the divorce problems,” Tessina said. “When you get out of your car at work, firmly shut the car door on any personal thoughts and get into work mode. When you leave work, shut the work door on work problems, and don’t take them home. If you compartmentalize like this, you’ll get some relief and your problems won’t overlap each other.
*Try to schedule your court dates convenient to your work schedule. “You don’t want to miss any more work than you have to.
*Give your employer adequate notice when you have to miss work. Dreeban said most court dates are arranged at least one month in advance. “Provide your employer with your court date and time as soon as possible and offer to make up your time before the court date. If you have a 9:30 a.m. court date, then see if you can work in the afternoon. Don’t miss a whole day for a three-hour court date. You need the money, and your employer needs you,” she said.
*Don’t communicate with your attorney during work, except in the event of an emergency. “When you speak with your attorney, you should be in a private place and be able to concentrate. Attorneys charge by the minute. When they tell you something, you need to comprehend it the first time so you don’t have to pay twice to hear the same information,” Dreeban noted.
*Don’t communicate with your soon-to-be former spouse during work, except in the event of an emergency. “Often these conversations are volatile, which may cause you to become emotional and may negatively impact your concentration and work product,” Dreeben said.
*Don’t use the copier at work to copy litigation papers. There is a process during litigation known as discovery, when you and your spouse provide financial documentation concerning things such as income, benefits, etc. “Either use your home copier or go to a copy shop. These matters are extremely private and should not be shared, by mistake or otherwise, with colleagues,” Dreeben said.
*Don’t inadvertently involve your employer in your litigation. All information provided in litigation must be truthful, Dreeben noted. “If you make $20 an hour and say you make $10 an hour because you think the judge will make your spouse give you more money, you are wrong. Instead what will happen is that your employer will be subpoenaed to testify with regards to your income,” she said.
*Don’t use your office computer for personal use. Your hard and soft drives could be sought for discovery purposes during the divorce proceedings. Your employer will not take kindly to having company equipment seized.
*Don’t ask your employer to reduce your pay during a divorce for any reason. If you are a valued employee, you will be putting your employer in an impossible predicament, Dreeben noted. “If you are not a valued employee, you may be terminated,” she said.
*Focus on work and your work priorities, but with a twist: Keep your focus short and intense. “Unfortunately, divorce and other high stressors have a way of zapping energy and detracting from the job,” said LeslieBeth Wish, a licensed psychologist and social worker. “Since divorce often increases a sense of loss of control and decreases feelings of self-worth, the last thing you want to do is perform poorly at work. So, divide up your tasks into doable segments. Take a brief walk, breathe, look out the window, do a few leg stretches, etc. — and then resume the next segment. The more you continue to function, the greater your sense of control and self-esteem.”
*Conserve your energy. Turn down unnecessary assignments or projects so you focus on yourself and your health, Wish said.
*Make note of abuse. The single exception about divorce talk at work, according to Bonnie Russell, a licensed psychotherapist, is when abuse is involved. “In this case, document, document, document and ask all co-workers to alert you should they see his [or her] car in the area,” Russell said. “Do not hesitate to record anything and make arrangements with your attorney to subpoena any cameras mounted on your or surrounding buildings, for any such hearings.”
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