“Iron Chef” fails to impress. Likewise “Chopped.” Sure those chefs can compose a complicated, beautiful and delicious dish — times four — in less than 60 minutes. Sure they can do it on camera, under the scrutiny of three surly judges, one well-oiled host and an incredulous home audience. Sure they can simmer a liltingly sweet dessert from beets, carrots and hominy. But that’s nothing. Nothing compared to Average Mom.
In this competition, the contestant faces two hungry, overwrought judges and one harried, undercaffeinated host with a train to catch. Her challenge: To cook and plate three breakfasts, prep and pack two lunches, feed and walk one dog. In 25 minutes. With found ingredients. While pelted with bonus questions. Pre-shower.
For instance, while attempting to piece together a quesadilla from two neglect-crisped tortillas, cheese crumbs and a banana, she may be asked to calculate the surface area of a cylinder. Should she, while prying open a cylindrical can of pinto beans, shout “radius squared times pi times height,” she will be disqualified. Because that formula yields volume, not surface.
And should she, while tossing together salted peanuts, malted milk balls and unidentifiable dried fruit specks, be asked why “i” precedes “e” in piece, but switches places in weird, she must offer a plausible explanation.
And should she manage to pacify the dog and feed the scholars and fill the lunchbox and certify that two sets of homework are complete, if not correct, she will have won. No matter how the judges rule.
Leah Eskin is a Tribune special contributor.
leahreskin@aol.com
Swiss breakfast Prep: 10 minutes Makes: 2 servings
Milk
Lemon
Apple
Rolled oats
Raisins
Blueberries
Slivered almonds
Curdle: Measure 3 tablespoons milk into each of two cereal bowls. Squeeze lemon and drizzle 2 teaspoons juice into each. Milk will curdle; don’t fret.
Grate: Set a box grater over a sheet of waxed paper. Grate an apple (with peel) on the large holes. Scoop half the grated apple into each bowl.
Decorate: Sprinkle each serving with 1/4 cup rolled oats, a few raisins, a handful of blueberries and a spoonful of slivered almonds. Enjoy.
