Dear Amy: My former husband is engaged to marry a very nice and generous woman who is 15 years my junior and has two grade-school-age children.
My children are 20 and 17.
Since the early days of the relationship, she has worked hard to establish friendships with my children and has bestowed many gifts, sometimes spending more on them than I am able to afford.
She has been especially generous with my 20-year-old daughter (offering pedicures, shopping, yoga, etc.). This summer she has been using her many work connections to arrange valuable internship and job opportunities for my children.
I am glad for my kids, but feeling increasingly uncomfortable at what seems to me to be some intrusiveness on her part, or stepping over boundaries.
I would like to have an amicable relationship with her someday, but this is making it hard for me.
Am I being unreasonable? Should I say something to my ex-husband — or to her?
If it’s best to continue biting my tongue, do you have any advice for how I can cope with this situation and learn to accept it?
I would be interested in how other divorced mothers deal with this situation.
— Newly Single Mom
Dear Mom: You are your kids’ mom. They know this. Your secure relationship with them allows them to let others safely into their lives.
Let this lie. You want for your kids to enjoy a healthy relationship with the woman who will become their stepmother. Unless you feel she is trying to submarine you, interfere with or subvert your relationship with your kids, let them enjoy a relationship with someone who seems to be trying hard to be a positive force in their lives.
I know this stings, but unless you see a negative impact on your children, you should continue to bite your tongue.
Dear Amy: I am a 51-year-old man and have been dating a 40-year-old woman for several months. We are both business owners.
She is trying to acquire credentials as a “disadvantaged business owner” to get government contracts.
Very early in our relationship, she asked me if I would enter into a faux contract with her so her business would have a better chance of qualifying for these government contracts.
Although I am very honest and do not cheat, for some odd reason I agreed to sign the fake contract.
Another red flag I see is that when we spend time together she openly flirts with other men. Recently, we were at an outing and a man was hitting on her in front of me. He asked for her number, which she happily gave to him.
We’ve discussed some of these issues (except for the faux contract) and she says she values her independence.
I feel I really love her, but wonder if I have reasons to be concerned about her character.
— Wondering
Dear Wondering: Your girlfriend’s character isn’t the only one in question.
You willingly participated in a fraudulent contract, but you’re more worried about your girlfriend’s flirting?
Shame on both of you. By using you to claim she is “disadvantaged,” she is demonstrating a twisted notion of what it means to be “independent.”
I suggest you heed the red flags you claim to notice, sever your business and personal relationship with her and really give her her independence.
Dear Amy: My husband and I both laughed out loud after separately reading the letter from “Annoyed” and the advice you gave on dealing with tedious/abrasive in-laws on vacation.
You see, long ago when we attempted to vacation with my husband’s family in Maine, that is exactly what I would do: go off in a corner and read an interesting book.
Their reaction was to tell my husband that I was a snobbish, anti-social pill.
Needless to say, we no longer bother speaking to that part of the family. Life is too short. There are plenty of wonderful people in the world to spend time with, family or not.
— Moved On
Dear Moved On: As vacation season heats up, those people planning to vacation with toxic relatives might want to pack an extra book.
