This weekend we welcome runners from around the world who have flocked to our city for Sunday’s Bank of America Chicago Marathon. Whether any of these athletes set a world record or simply complete the 26.2-mile course, their achievements will pale when stacked against these feats of human endurance familiar to Chicagoans:
LAZ Parking Sprint Park car, race to machine, back to car for more quarters, back to machine, back to car for credit card. (They’re charging how much?)
LAZ Parking Steeplechase This event, pretty much the same as above, takes place in winter and includes vaulting over curbside snowdrifts while weighed down by a baby in a carrier.
Lake Shore Drive Slalom Snake past goofus hipster doing 35 mph on a Vespa, take it slow past the cop on the median, go schussing past Soldier Field for enough speed to get airborne over potholes.
Chicago Defenseathon Hey, we’re tied with Los Angeles for highest sales tax; and if you can’t get through a Chicago winter, you’re a wimp; and we love the Cubs anyway; and people in Alabama are way fatter than us; and … and …
Mayoral Election Emotional Relay Lap 1: Yea! No more Daley! 2: OMG, we can’t function without Daley! 3: Rahm will save us! 4: Wait, that Rahm guy dumped us; he can’t just come crawling back. 5: These other guys look kinda good. 6: Darn it — this is harder than figuring out those judicial circuit thingys. 7: Can’t I just pick an Irish name?
Mary Scruggs is the head of writing programs at The Second City, 1616 N. Wells St., Chicago.
