Dear Amy: My husband and I have a 4-year-old daughter. She is my mother-in-law’s only grandchild. My mother-in-law baby-sits her for an afternoon each week.
This is a very nice offer and arrangement that we greatly appreciate. Unfortunately, she insists on being what she calls “the fun grandma.”
The definition of this appears to be a total lack of discipline and boundaries for our child, weekly toy purchases and the policy of “anything she wants, she gets.”
Now don’t get me wrong, my husband and I are OK with a little spoiling here and there, but this has gotten out of hand.
Because this is a weekly setup, our daughter is becoming more and more difficult to “grandma detox” after each visit.
Anytime we are all together, my mother-in-law will go directly against our wishes right in front of us.
For example, if our daughter asks for candy but hasn’t eaten her meal and our answer is, “Not until you finish,” my in-law will go ahead and hand her the candy.
It’s not just spoiling; we learned that grandma also allowed her to walk on a frozen pond on ice we felt was unsafe.
We’ve tried talking to grandma many times. We’ve been polite, direct, specific and even angry at times, but she says she doesn’t care what we say.
We know she is “fun,” but she is also using poor, sometimes dangerous judgment. The lack of discipline is a detriment to our daughter’s growth.
What can we do? Should we only allow supervised visits?
— Frustrated Parents
Dear Frustrated: If a day care provider or baby sitter consistently undermined you and let your daughter do things you felt were patently unsafe, you would find another sitter.
So find another regular sitter, and let grandma be grandma — but not be in charge on a regular basis.
I agree with you that a little “spoiling” is a good thing — but if she hands your daughter a lollipop when you’ve already said no, you will have to tell your daughter, “Grandma was mistaken. I know you heard us say you need to eat your dinner, so you must listen to Mommy and Daddy now.”
You will take the lollipop from your daughter, she will cry, your mother-in-law will “tsk tsk,” someone will be sent to her room for a short time, and you will wait patiently until everyone is ready to be cooperative.
In short, you and your husband will have to behave like firm, friendly and unflappable nursery school teachers, and affectionately retrain your mother-in-law.
Dear Amy: My wife and I have become aware of something we find extremely disturbing. A woman we know believes it is OK for her 15-year-old daughter to have the girl’s 16-year-old boyfriend sleep over in the same bed, even though there is a couch in another room.
She says she knows her daughter and that nothing is going on.
Her daughter claimed that she and the guy don’t even kiss, but we saw a photo of the two of them kissing on Facebook.
When we provided the mother with this information, she said she doesn’t have a problem with them kissing.
She doesn’t seem to realize that she has been lied to and she doesn’t seem to want to alter her views based on this new information.
By the way, the daughter refuses to allow the mother access to her Facebook page.
What do you think? Are we out of touch or are our antennas correct?
— Hearing Bells
Dear Bells: This mother may not be heeding the warning bells you hear loudly clanging, but this illustrates the age-old axiom that when it comes to our children, most parents have selective hearing.
You have done everything you can to investigate, interfere and weigh in. Consider your job done — and stand down.
Dear Amy: “Regretful” wrote to you, concerned because at 22, she had already been divorced and didn’t want her friends to know.
The best advice for Regretful is to keep her mouth zipped; she doesn’t owe this information to her friends any more than she should tell them what’s in her checking account.
— Z
Dear Z: Many readers agree with you.
