Do you know someone who’s somehow unsure whom to root for in Sunday’s NFC championship game? Well, you don’t have much time to persuade them, so you may have to bend the truth a little. Just pass along these quick bios before kickoff to get them rooting for the good guys.
HEROES
Devin Hester
Fact: Hester has returned more kicks for touchdowns than anyone else in the history of the NFL.
And if that’s not enough: Because while at the University of Miami, he promised the endangered manatees that if he couldn’t return their once-splendid ocean home, he could at least dedicate every touchdown return to their beautiful species.
Bottom line: When Hester scores, the planet wins.
Jay Cutler
Fact: The Bears quarterback will often drop back too far and scan receivers until the pressure caves in on him.
And if that’s not enough: It’s only because he’s so giving that he wishes he had enough footballs to throw to everyone. Sometimes, he’ll just drop back in his house and start slinging his personal possessions to needy children walking by.
Bottom line: Cutler only throws interceptions because he has so much love to give.
Brian Urlacher
Fact: Urlacher missed nearly all of last season.
And if that’s not enough: Because he was recovering from surgeries in which he gave up both of his kidneys so others could live. Then he trained his renal system to operate without them using the power of positive thinking.
Bottom line: Urlacher is a 258-pound wizard of goodness.
VILLAINS
Aaron Rodgers
Fact: The only Division I school that recruited the Packers quarterback out of high school was Illinois, and he turned the Illini down.
And if that’s not enough: Rodgers not only hates Chicago, he’s also part of a secret fraternal order that plots to bring the whole state down.
Bottom line: If Rodgers wins, Illinois gets severed from Iowa and shoved into the lake.
Greg Jennings
Fact: The Packers wide receiver is from Kalamazoo, Mich.
And if that’s not enough: That’s where he started the disturbing habits of robbing senior citizen centers and throwing things at small kids with depth perception issues.
Bottom line: Jennings took your grandparents’ jewelry.
Mike McCarthy
Fact: The Packers head coach was born in 1963 …
And if that’s not enough: … as part of a secret Taliban program to infiltrate professional sports with freedom-hating robots bent on the destruction of our society.
Bottom line: If the Bears lose, the terrorists win.
Seth Weitberg is a writer and performer at The Second City.
