Over 11 days in February — starting on Valentine’s Day, naturally — 21 self-help gurus convened in cyberspace to guide the lovelorn in their quests for The One.
It was called The Ultimate Soulmate Summit, a Web seminar designed to help you “manifest your soul mate,” “let go of the walls surrounding your heart” and date effectively so you don’t screw it all up.
Yeah. We got a little nauseated too.
But we were intrigued. Even if there isn’t only one “One,” most people yearn for a deep, lasting, soul-affirming connection.
So we immersed ourselves in this intensive love rehab, listening for two hours daily to the presentations — free if you listened within 24 hours — so you don’t have to.
Here are some nuggets from the journey, which, be warned, is a New Age-y romp heavily geared toward women seeking men.
Day 1
So you’re dating a guy who seems to adore you but then he starts pulling away. Many women react by asking where the relationship is going. Big mistake, says John Gray, author of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” (HarperCollins; $25). When men and women get close, the “bonding” hormone oxytocin rises. Women dig oxytocin, but it stresses men out because it lowers testosterone. Ladies, go focus on other things while your man flees to restore his testosterone levels. When he comes back to you of his own volition, it’ll cement a stronger bond.
Day 2
Anthropologist Helen Fisher, scientific adviser to Chemistry.com, divides people into four categories: explorers are creative, adventure-seeking types; builders are community-driven, social types; directors are decisive, analytical types; and negotiators are expressive, emotional types. Typically, explorers like explorers, builders like builders, and directors and negotiators like each other.
Day 3
Did you know that the heart’s magnetic field is five times more powerful than the brain’s? And that your heartbeat transmits your feelings to every cell of your body, which gives you a vibe other people can sense? And that recalling angry feelings depletes your immune system for six hours, while feeling compassion boosts your immune system? So says Deborah Rozman, founding executive director of HeartMath, a company that teaches stress reduction and emotional well-being. By radiating more love into our electromagnetic field rather than self-doubt or blame, we attract more positive and healthy people, so the theory goes.
Day 4
Most of us are relationship saboteurs, says Hale Dwoskin, author of “The Sedona Method” (Sedona Press; $17), a method for shedding emotional baggage. We tend to look for things about a significant other that we don’t like, digging up the seed before it can grow. We tend to hope a relationship will complete us, but neediness drives people away. Release those past hurts and disappointments that are shaping your perception of what you can or can’t have. “Love is when you let me be me, and it’s wanting the other person to be whoever they want to be,” Dwoskin said.
Day 5
Be your authentic self from the beginning and don’t try to contort yourself or your partner into being The One, says Alison Armstrong, co-founder of PAX Programs, relationship training workshops. Articulate what you want to give in a relationship, and make sure your partner wants to get that.
Day 6
Dating coach Evan Marc Katz’s advice for online daters includes:
–When creating your online profile, come up with the five core adjectives that describe you — and don’t use any of them. Instead, give examples.
–Focus on the qualities you will bring to a relationship, not the ones that help you succeed at work. You’re not applying for a job.
–Don’t be so choosy. If you think you deserve X, Y and Z men, but they never respond to you, maybe you’re overestimating yourself.
–The two things you shouldn’t compromise on are character and consistency — how someone treats you and the effort they make for you.
Day 7
Here’s a downer: At 27, when women are at the top of the dating totem pole, they’ll turn down an 8 and hold out for a 10. So they wait for a 10, then suddenly they’re 40 and can only get a 5, says Lori Gottlieb, author of the controversial book “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” (Dutton; $25.95). Stop waiting for Prince Charming, de-prioritize chemistry and look for compatibility. The most important qualities for a good marriage: flexibility, compromise and sharing a vision of how you want to go through life.
Day 8
According to marriage counselor Pat Allen: The polarity between masculine and feminine energies generates harmony and desire, so women wishing to attract a masculine man must embrace their feminine side on dates. To shed the workday’s masculine vibe, take a walk in nature or dance, she said.
Day 9
Aristophanes said that people originally consisted of two beings in one body, and now we spend our lives looking for the missing half, says mythologist Jean Houston. Call in the great archetype of love, The Beloved, to be your guiding essence. Converse with, commune with, express gratitude for and feel partnered with this spiritual Beloved. You become a living force of love, and the right people are attracted to you.
Day 10
Make a soul mate wish list: What are the heart traits and qualities you desire in another? What will your lifestyle together look like? Know and trust that the one you want is already yours, says co-host Arielle Ford, author of “The Soulmate Secret” (HarperOne; $15.99). But don’t just visualize it. Conduct “feelingizations” in which you feel it to be true in every cell of your body.
Day 11
It’s important not to just wait for love to happen, but to actively stand in fulfillment of who you really are, says co-host Claire Zammit, co-creator of The Feminine Power courses. Focus less on your need to find The One than on being a source of love in the world.
Want to hear for yourself?
While the presentations are no longer available for free online, you can purchase the recordings and transcripts of the entire summit at
soulmatesummit.net/event
.
