I stared at my screen, face tilted to the side, calculating each sentence. Was it pithy? Too flirtatious? Witty? Should the main photo be the picture from my sister’s wedding or perhaps the head shot from college? It was taken four years ago. Would they be able to tell? I’ve certainly gained weight since then. Maybe I’ll use one from this year.
Hitting “save,” I entered the new and much talked about realm of online dating. Goodbye to cute guy across the bar and hello to Brad7845, 26 and lover of dogs and volleyball.
As dating forums shift from face-to-face to the online ether, the mysteries and confusions of dating are not erased, but taking on a new form. The etiquette of online interactions remains undefined, providing a new stage for mishaps and successes. Gone are stomach flips in anticipation of asking someone out. Singles can now rely on emoticons and prewritten “flirt” phrases for initial pickup lines. The suspense is erased; if one email flops there are thousands of other profiles to click on.
A few months ago I reluctantly registered for JDate.com, a Jewish dating website, after family and friends urged me to go online to meet new people after I moved to New York City. (If I was going to do it, I thought, I might as well go all the way. And please my mother.) Eventually, after weeks of disappointing finds, I switched to Match.com. Almost everyone I know, it seems, has tried online dating. The idea of finding someone to gallivant around with in my new home city was enticing.
Entering the world of “winks” and “likes” and “secret admirers” was a thrill, but the number of misspelled, unpunctuated or just insulting messages quickly brought me back to earth. It appears in the anonymity of online profiles, participants throw caution to the wind, placing their true colors on display without hesitation. Many daters become boorishly blunt or dangerously ignorant — someone they’d never ordinarily be on first meeting.
“Looking for a fun, sweet, down to earth Jewish girl that doesn’t look 50lbs heavier than her JDate pictures in real life,” I read on a profile.
“I have to shop for shoes online because stores usually don’t carry size 16,” OutsideSpoon wrote after expressing his love for national parks and Pink Floyd.
“Writing about yourself always seems a little rediculouse,” TravelsForFood wrote.
“I’m down for finding you great food and taking care of you when you’re sick, but if you think you’re hypoglycemic, I respectfully don’t believe you,” from adamt528.
And then there are the stereotypical “manly” words littered in the personal essays: “successful,” “driven,” “ambitious,” “child prodigy.”
Perhaps you think I am being a bit too harsh. But after seeing the same few things repeated over and over, I can’t help but think to myself, what is the difference between all of you? And who doesn’t use spell check?
The personal messages are not any better.
“One guy called me a turd,” my friend Jen told me over drinks. I leaned in to be sure I had heard her correctly. “Turd?”
“Yeah,” she explained. “I stopped emailing him and he wrote me back saying, ‘Are you busy or are you just being a turd?'”
My experience was not much improved. A message from Schanzy77 read: “hi, I have nothing super interested or witty to say, so hi.” So why are you writing, I thought. In the weeks after, though, I was inclined to give Schanzy77 a bit more credit. At least he was being honest. I couldn’t say the same thing for the senders of messages like “I’m your guy … check my profile” or “beauty.”
My friend Alex informed me that these off-putting messages are a plague of female participants as well.
“I have so much listed on my profile. If a girl can’t come up with one thing we have in common, why should I respond?” he asked, exasperated. “And the emails that start with ‘hey cutie,’ I’m like, automatically, trash,” he motioned with his finger hitting the delete key.
I argued that incomplete sentences are even worse. “Im handsome, ure friends will like me, and id love to hear about ur adventures,” I received from itsmeonhere. “I’m not so sure,” I wanted to respond, but resisted the urge. Online dating is not a text message. It is a profile, an email, an adult exchange.
I am a firm believer in honesty, so I guess credit is due to the JDate man who made it clear he only likes thin women or adamt528 who doesn’t care for hypoglycemia. I am also OK with those using dating sites for sex rather than relationships, as long as they’re clear. But for those who genuinely seem to be pursuing a girlfriend or boyfriend, the lack of thought and tact and distaste for apostrophes shocks me. .
That said, I’ve seriously contemplated the construction of my profile. Please read it. And then if you like me, write me an original message. Use spell check. And above all, please write in complete sentences.
Eve Turow is a freelance writer in New York.
