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Tracy Swartz: … no more sloppy Second City. Lots of shame in our game. |
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Evil Super Computer: … fewer events I have to rig (how else do you think the Sox win all the time?). |
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Alex Quigley: … less chances to trash-talk Sox fans. That’s a shame. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: … they’ll have to save the second series for October. |
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Bag Boy: … fans will realize winning the BP Cup isn’t a relevant goal. |
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Tracy Swartz: It’s a no Bryan, er, brain-er. |
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Evil Super Computer: The manual scoreboard. All part of the machines’ plan to take over Earth! |
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Alex Quigley: In an upset that no one sees coming: Kevin Orie. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: If there’s a God … Alfonso Soriano. If there’s not a God … God, er, Anthony Rizzo. |
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Bag Boy: “Don’t worry. You won’t be a Cub for long.” |
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Tracy Swartz: Fans are used to low scores. |
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Evil Super Computer: The cold. We computers can’t stand overheating. |
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Alex Quigley: Postgame grudge-fighting on a frozen Lake Michigan. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: Finally, the grounds crew can’t screw up the playing surface. |
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Bag Boy: Watching people try to pee in a sink. Oh, wait, that was the old Soldier Field. |
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Tracy Swartz: Since we share the same birthday, something with icing. |
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Evil Super Computer: An online subscription to Hard Drive Monthly. |
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Alex Quigley: Paulina Gretzky? I would choose Paulina Gretzky. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: He gets to be an even bigger local legend. Is this guy not awesome? |
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Bag Boy: A new car! Actually, I think it’s just a medal. I’ve seen ’em on e-Bay. |
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Tracy Swartz: Because a fast break is better than a breakfast. |
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Evil Super Computer: Because humans are more susceptible to suggestion when they’re groggy. BWAHAHAHAHA! |
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Alex Quigley: They’re hoping the Valpo players will still be asleep. |
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Jimmy Greenfield: They’re huge in Japan. |
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Bag Boy: Why, it’s all for an ESPN event! That behemoth is really running our lives, isn’t it? |
