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Sean Ely: *Checks roster, notices Jay Cutler is still the starting QB, laughs to himself* Hey, sorry, I’m back. Umm, no. |
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Sarah Spain: “Yes!” say the 2008 Lions, who went 4-0 in the preseason and 0-16 when it counted. |
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Stick Figure: It sure beats starting the preseason 0-1. |
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Elliott Serrano: Yeah! The sign reads SUPER BOWL SUPER BEARS! No, I’m not overreacting at all. |
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Emily Brown: Sure, they’re undefeated. But more importantly, it’s football season! |
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Sean Ely: More players will find themselves landing on their necks at practice. Great for the spine! |
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Sarah Spain: 100 percent more Black Unicorn. |
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Stick Figure: All his drills now end with him catching passes while diving off the top rope. |
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Elliott Serrano: Bodyslams and headlocks will be added to the playbook. |
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Emily Brown: All the media will swarm around Bennett for a day or so. Then things will go back to the way they were. |
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Sean Ely: Not as impressive as John Domanico will be for the Sox once he’s called up from AAA. That arm, though. |
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Sarah Spain: Good enough to make watching a last-place team tolerable. |
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Stick Figure: At least as good as the guy he replaced, though I can’t remember who that was. |
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Elliott Serrano: HE’S LEADING THEM TO THE WORLD SERIES, BABY! Also not an overreaction. |
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Emily Brown: He’s the Jose Abreu of the Cubs. We’ll see after his first season. |
4. Why are Cubs games taking so long lately?
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Sean Ely: There is a team contest going on right now. Whoever has the longest at-bat this season wins a new Chevy Aveo LTE! |
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Sarah Spain: Staying in last place requires real time and dedication. |
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Stick Figure: Aw man, I haven’t been watching. Why didn’t you tell me there would be a quiz? |
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Elliott Serrano: Time between pitches is being kept using an hourglass? Get with the times, MLB. |
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Emily Brown: They’re trying to convince their fans they have a chance. But actually, they’re just dragging out the inevitable (loss). |
5. If Yasiel Puig can break his bat on a check swing, what else can he do?
Emily Brown:
Sean Ely:
Elliott Serrano:
Sarah Spain:
Stick Figure:
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Sean Ely: Tear the stitching off the ball just by making eye contact with it. |
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Sarah Spain: End world hunger with a bunt. |
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Stick Figure: Glue it back together! |
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Elliott Serrano: Break hearts. Like he did mine. I WISH I COULD QUIT YOU, YASIEL! |
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Emily Brown: Take two of three from The Rock in arm wrestling. |
