Looking for Bears playmakers

Whenever the Bears reach their next Super Bowl — spoiler alert: not this season — they will have a roster full of playmakers.

That’s the way things work with winners, the opposite of the way it has worked with the Bears for pretty much the last decade.

Finding playmakers, then, becomes the point of this season. That, and not giving up 100 points to the Packers.

Because I’m a pleaser, not a teaser, I went down the Bears’ temporary roster to identify potential Super Bowl playmakers. (Parental discretion advised.)

Quarterback: Jay Cutler can be a playmaker. In fact, he has been. Unfortunately, for both teams.

Running back: Matt Forte, yes. Jacquizz Rodgers, maybe. Jeremy Langford, hopefully. Ka’Deem Carey, you kidder, you.

Wide receiver: Alshon Jeffery has shown he can make big-time plays. Between HMO visits, that is. Everybody else, here’s your lovely parting gift.

Tight end: Martellus Bennett is one of the best in the league. He wants to be paid like it. This seems like a farewell tour.

Defensive line: The unit starts with a big hole at the biggest position in the 3-4 scheme because Jeremiah Ratliff is suspended for pleading guilty to a DWI. Rookie second-stringer Eddie Goldman suffered a concussion, but he’s the one hope because the rest looks like a Rubik’s Cube of new and old guesses.

Linebacker: Pernell McPhee was the big, violent free-agent signing. Problem was, in the practice games, he nearly suffered whiplash while swiveling his head at the line of scrimmage, trying to figure out why his teammates don’t know where to line up, and whoops, there’s a 25-yard run around outside contain.

If McPhee can hurt quarterbacks and the random running back, then there’s your defensive season. But Bears fans aren’t used to getting their money’s worth in these deals. See Lamarr Houston for details.

The starting inside linebackers are a failed first-round pick moved to his third position and an undrafted free agent. The backups are a failed second-round pick and an undrafted free agent. What’s the record for most times caught in the trail position?

Secondary: The Bears played musical defensive backs and still didn’t find a starter to make a play in the practice games. And here comes Aaron Rodgers. Mommy, make it stop.

By my count, playmakers who will still be here when the Bears threaten to get to their next Super Bowl are maybe Jeffery, Langford, Goldman and McPhee.

Maybe.

Maybe four players on the 53-man roster. You can count them on the fingers of one hand and still have a thumb left over to hitchhike to the top of next year’s draft.