Have you heard about the Catterbox?
I just read a story about it.
Catterbox is billed as the “world’s first talking cat collar.”
What you do is put the collar on your cat (not as easy as it sounds). The collar records the sounds your cat makes, translates those sounds into human speak and plays the translations out loud. Not only that, but you get to pick the voice – maybe a stylish English accent. Or perhaps your cat could sound like John Wayne. Lady Gaga?
It’s not that cats don’t communicate with humans now. But, they use mostly nonverbal forms of expression.
Our cat, Kate, uses facial expressions and paw gestures to tell us what she wants and doesn’t want.
Kate’s basic gesture vocabulary consists of the following:
“My mouth doesn’t like that.”
“Don’t touch me.”
“I believe I asked for ice water.”
“What’s that you’re eating?”
“Nap time. Please cover me with my blue blanket.”
The Catterbox intrigued me. What would Kate tell us if we could actually translate her utterances, such as “Gak” and “Rowww” into English? On what secrets of the animal world could she enlighten us? Maybe Kate could finally explain to me why she dotes on my wife but won’t give me a single purr. And she could tell me in, say, Helen Mirren’s voice.
I wonder how much one of those Catterbox collars costs?
They are priceless, actually. Because they don’t exist. The Catterbox is an elaborate commercial for a brand of cat treats. Apparently we cat owners will believe anything – including talking cats, I’m ashamed to admit.
But, once my initial disappointment over not being able to discuss with my cat whether “War and Peace” or “Anna Karenina” is Tolstoy’s masterpiece, I realized that cats having the ability to talk might not be a good thing.
We all know how stubborn cats are. It wouldn’t be long before cats discovered politics.
Soon, cats would start debating political issues. They would choose up sides – red cats, blue cats, liberal cats, conservative cats.
And pretty soon cats would be introducing bills in Congress to ban dogs from entering the country.
No, it’s best we maintain the status quo when it come to cats speaking.
“Gak,” I say.
Whatever that means.
Paul Sassone is a freelance columnist for Pioneer Press.
