“Ask Anna” is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
I’m 25, and I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about three years. We were inseparable in the beginning; it was like every moment without her was incomplete. But lately, things feel different. It’s not a lack of love, but somehow the spark has dimmed.
With my growing responsibilities at work and my personal drive to embark on new adventures, I rarely get time to truly concentrate on myself anymore. Although we love each other dearly, we’ve been arguing more often, the constant pressure is straining our relationship and it’s just exhaustingly overwhelming at times.
I’ve been considering taking a “relationship break,” not because I want to end things but to give myself some time to reflect and figure things out. I want to get back to being the guy she fell in love with. But do such breaks serve any purpose, or do they just signal the beginning of the end? How can they be beneficial or harmful? — Hopeful but Uncertain
Dear HBU,
Your question tugs at a thread we’ve all toyed with at some point. “To break or not to break?” That is indeed the question. It’s not unusual, especially when you’re in your 20s, to wonder if you’re potentially missing out on something or someone more fulfilling. It’s the rhythm of being human, of loving, of growing. It’s also not unusual, when faced with such uncertainty, to want to try a breakup “trial run,” as it were, to see how being single might feel without totally severing those relationship ties.
My first serious girlfriend and I broke up in the slowest way possible. First, we moved into separate apartments. Then, we opened our relationship up and dated or hooked up with other people. Then, after there was virtually nothing left for us to contend with, we broke up for good. We still loved each other terribly, which made it that much harder to let go, even though it was so obvious we were meant to be platonic friends.
It’s clear you care deeply for your girlfriend, and your wish to rebuild the relationship into what it once was is both admirable and heart-wrenching. Life, in all its messy beauty, has a habit of tumbling us around like a janky clothes dryer, chipping away at our patience, our energy, our sense of self. A break can feel like an extended gasping breath after a sprint. But the question lingers — does it work?
And, well, it depends.
At times, taking a break could potentially salvage your relationship, as it provides an opportunity for both of you to value each other’s absence, acknowledge missteps or growth you need to make, or to figure out if the allure of “greener grass” holds actual merit. This time apart could serve to rekindle the spark by reviving the individual fires you each bring to your shared flame. It’s a chance to reassess, to learn, to miss and to breathe.
However, not all breaks are roses and romance rekindled. Some breaks devolve into breakups. The silence can become comfortable, the distance, a welcome reprieve. As noted therapist Esther Perel pointed out in her TED Talk, “The very components that lead to love — mystery, unpredictability, novelty — are the very things that we seek relief from over time.” The equilibrium you strive for might unknowingly tip over a precipice you’d rather avoid.
You can’t know which side the coin will land on, however, until you do it.
That’s the scary part. The other scary part is that you don’t know how it’s going to impact your girlfriend either. While you might go into a break thinking you’ll rekindle things, your girlfriend might land somewhere else entirely.
But, as with all scary things, the risk is usually worth the potential fallout. If you’re unhappy with how things have been for a while, trying something — anything — might be the cure for what ails you, even if it’s a proper breakup.
If you do take a break, make sure to have agreed-upon guidelines — will you see each other at all? Text? Heart each other’s social media posts? (My advice is to not communicate at all, so that you’re getting the real “break” experience.) Also, you don’t say whether you live together or not, but if you do, then you’ll need to figure out living arrangements for the duration of the break. Once you’ve figured out the details, set an end date to come back together and either reconcile, decide you need a little more time or end things outright.
In the silence of a break, you might find your true voice, your true self and your true love for her. Or you might discover new truths about you, your relationship and your needs. Both outcomes hold invaluable insights.
Whatever you decide, remember, in the words of Maya Angelou, “Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” Your honesty in this situation is a sign that no matter what happens, you’ll land wherever love and growth dictate.
Wishing you wisdom and peace as you navigate these waters.
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!
