Dear Eric: I am questioning my decision on whether to go to my brother’s daughter‘s wedding. They live two states away, and I have not seen them for a few years. I love my brother, but I don’t respect or agree with his political choices and views. Except now it feels more like a moral issue because of what is going on currently in our country. What is happening now is horrific and I don’t want to schmooze with people who support it. I equate it to being similar to what happened in Germany in the late 1930s.
I’m pretty sure politics will not be brought up at the wedding. But just the association concerns me. At the same time, I also feel these family events are few and far between and we are getting older and I miss the fun times we used to have together when politics were not involved. I am sad that this is dividing us. What should I do?
– Sad Sister
Dear Sister: I understand not wanting to associate with people whose actions are, in your view, causing harm. However, I think it’s important to make a distinction between actions and opinions. Opinions don’t exist in a vacuum, obviously; they influence actions. But being in the same room as someone with whom you disagree doesn’t suggest you cosign on their opinions. Especially if those opinions aren’t the subject of the gathering.
Ask yourself what will be achieved by skipping the wedding. I present this question neutrally. You may feel that it accomplishes something for you or convinces your brother to think in a different way. But you may find that it doesn’t do the most good, or any good at all. You may find that there are other ways to shift this relationship.
I also don’t know if your brother is taking actions that you find morally objectionable, because that should and would impact your decision. From your letter, it sounds like the divide is ideological. Ultimately, I think the long and short of it is that your niece’s wedding isn’t an event that’s going to ask you to make a choice or take a stand.
There is obviously some rebuilding to be done in your relationship with your brother, but the wedding is probably not the right place to do it. Ask yourself what’s possible here and what could be possible in the future. It sounds like it would be meaningful to you to attend. It sounds like, human-to-human, it might be beneficial to your family relationships to celebrate your niece.
Dear Eric: My husband and I are senior citizens, late 70s, early 80s. At least twice a year, we host a luncheon for my extended family. All of the food is homemade and consists of items they are known to love. We enjoy doing this, but it’s a lot of work.
Several times throughout the year, I will see posts on various social media websites, saying something like, “mom and dad invited all of us to dinner tonight” or “Bill (one of the siblings) had everyone over for a cookout and pool party.” Not once have my husband and I been invited.
I’m feeling a bit put out. I know that they are under no obligation to invite us, but I would think that since we host all of them, it would be common courtesy to invite us. Am I wrong to feel this way?
– Put Out in the South
Dear Put Out: Your feelings make a lot of sense. Social media has a unique way of making us feel like everyone is hanging out without us, sometimes. Beforehand, we might receive word about other people’s gatherings or see pictures afterward, but we weren’t inundated with updates in the way we are now. And, because people rarely post pictures of them having a boring evening at home, it’s easy to get the impression that our friends and loved ones are having a blast 24/7.
We know this isn’t true, but it’s easy to feel that way regardless.
To add insult to injury, people who often host, like you do, sometimes find themselves left out when they aren’t the ones planning. This can be innocuous; people might assume that you have a full social calendar or simply not be as good as you are at thinking through an invite list.
One of the best ways to address this, unfortunately, is to take the reins socially, as you’ve done previously. You may need to be proactive about reaching out to the extended family members and letting them know you’d appreciate an invite. This can feel awkward, I admit, or presumptuous. But you’re not making demands here. You’re making a request and, more importantly, you’re communicating how you’d like to be in a relationship with them.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
