This being the year we finally replace President Reagan, I suggest that we do a proper job of it. I don`t mean replacing him with one of those nefarious boobs who`ve been out holding pigs and hustling votes in such shamelessly provincial places as Iowa.
Rather, I suggest that we do away with the presidency altogether, which is to say that we re-establish the Monarchy! (Trumpet flourish here, please.) Not with some bicycling queen from Holland or Scandinavia, and certainly not with one of those grim gambling-den Grimaldis. I want to bring back the only monarchy worth having, which is to say, bloody well right, the British Monarchy! (More trumpets, please.)
Before you summon the House Un-American Activities Committee to charge me with an un-American activity, stop and think a moment.
This week alone, we have His Royal Highness Prince Charles, heir to the bloody throne, nipping in for a visit to Pittsburgh and continuing on to posh Palm Beach for the polo. How many Americans would go out of their way to visit Pittsburgh on their way to Palm Beach?
HERE COME THE REST
At the same time, His Royal Highness Prince Andrew and the newly enciente but ever-lovely Fergie, Duchess of York, are tripping into La La Land to bring a vast haul of British art to Los Angeles, a place that has acquired so much culture lately they`re calling it the Dallas of the West. The royals will also spend a night at the Palm Springs estate of Walter Annenberg, just like actual American presidents do.
And, in this very same week, Princess Margaret will be slipping into the Fun Apple for a Private Visit, which as usual will likely include lots of fun smoking and drinking, just like actual New Yorkers do.
Also, we`ve recently had Princess Anne galloping all over Tennessee, and Princess Alexandra, rather like Betty Furness, educating us on the delights of Range Rovers and such. The queen herself actually went out and had a go at roughing it at the Reagans` California ranch, though she circumspectly refrained from cutting brush.
At this rate, I shouldn`t be surprised at all to see the entire royal family turn up on Ted Koppel`s ”Nightline” show-though possibly not on
”David Letterman” or ”Geraldo.”
As the covers of People magazine attest, the British royal family has become infinitely more beloved on these erstwhile colonial shores than any recent American president. When Charles dropped by Boston and Chicago two years ago, the local society ladies gushed and groveled with such frantic enthusiasm you`d have thought HRH was chairman of the admissions committee at the Saddle and Cycle Club and not merely Lord of the Isles and Great Steward of Scotland.
WE COULD KEEP CONGRESS
Why not simply make all this official? We wouldn`t have to give up democracy. We could keep the Congress (though I fail to see that as an advantage). We`d still have taxation (oh, goody) with representation. The democratic institutions that run the country now-Senate committee chairmen, the National Rifle Association, Donald Trump, the Shriners, People magazine, the National Football League, the maitre d` at Cafe Mortimer`s, etc.-would still run it.
All that would be dispensed with is the presidency-and with it, Bob Dole, Richard Gephardt, Gary Hart, Pat Robertson and Harold Stassen. And, with luck, perhaps even Dan Rather, not to speak of George Will.
Other perfectly sensible and absolutely respectable independent democracies have Queen Elizabeth as their head of state, most notably Canada and Australia, where only the MacKenzie Brothers and ”Crocodile” Dundee are more revered.
Golly Moses, that fortress of democracy known as Grenada still claims Elizabeth as its queen-and, as President Reagan will happily proclaim, what could be more American than Grenada?
Confess, now. Wouldn`t it be marvelous to have real noble titles here again, and not have to go by mere dreadfully common names, like Vanderbilt, Zipkin and Trump? Former Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger certainly thinks so. After he was recently awarded an honorary knighthood, he hired a public relations firm to put out a news release announcing that fact. And the release didn`t even mention that his other big honor in life was receiving the American Bronze Star.
THE MARQUESS OF MEESE?
Truly, wouldn`t it have been better to indulge Ed Meese in his lust for glory simply by making him Marquess Meese or Ed the Earl, instead of letting him run the Justice Department?
Oh do let`s be a monarchy again. I know the present set of royals have their foibles, but I must ask you, does Princess Margaret eat anywhere near as much as Maureen Reagan? Is Prince Edward`s becoming a theatrical assistant any worse than young Ronald Reagan appearing on television in his underwear? If Princess Diana is not one of the intellectual giants of our age, would you prefer the peculiarly educated Amy Carter, who used to speed-read at the table during state dinners-using her fork? Yes, Prince Philip`s language can get a trifle boisterous on the polo field, but would you like another round of Richard Nixon saying, ”I don`t give a (expletive deleted) about the lira!”
at Cabinet meetings?
Let me offer the ultimate absolutely crushing argument. Which would you rather have on the news every night, the Reverend Robertson explaining his last-place victory in New Hampshire, Gary Hart explaining where he was last night, Bob Dole explaining how he`s really a sweet-tempered, lovable guy?
Or Fergie?
Remember, George III never owned stock in Wedtech. –
