Dear Miss Manners-I always have used a nickname rather than my real name in social situations.
Therefore, some people who know me don`t know my real name. May I correctly have my wedding invitations and bridal announcements worded in this manner: ”Real Name (Nickname) Last Name”?
Gentle Reader-Parentheses are by nature informal, a sort of oh-by-the-way aside, and do not belong therefore on a formal announcement.
Still, Miss Manners understands that you do not want people saying
”Who?” when they receive your wedding invitations.
The solution is merely to add the name by which you are known to your full name (”. . . their daughter, Tamara Peaches . . .”). wedding Atlhough invitations are formal, they are not legal documents, like your marriage license.
Therefore, although you may not take a liberty with form, you may take one with fact.
Dear Miss Manners-Before I was born my parents became disenchanted with the rigidity of society. They decided to bring me up ”naturally,” without the constrictions of their own childhoods, and they withdrew from all but a very few of their friends.
I certainly had a happy, though somewhat lonely, childhood, but now I`m beginning to see that social skills-knowing how to dance, knowing how to dress appropriately for different occasions, and general poise-are as important as calculus and Moliere. They help one to live peacefully in a community and to express one`s ideas.
Perhaps some lucky people don`t need to be coached in etiquette, but I am awkward and self-conscious.
I feel uncomfortable when I don`t know how to respond to many everyday situations.
Now that I am away from home-I am in my last year at a large boarding school-I no longer can hold my parents responsible for my behavior.
I realize one can`t buy good manners, but is there any way I can help myself to gain poise and self-confidence in my dealings with others, both formal and informal?
Gentle Reader-Miss Manners commends your generous understanding of your parents` kindly motivations and your recognition of your own responsibility for your present behavior, as much as she does your sophisticated insight into the way life actually works.
She dearly wishes she could come up with a few quick rules that would see you through everything. People are always asking her to ”boil down”
etiquette to one or two pithy commands, as if one could ask the chief justice of the United States (point of etiquette-he is not called chief justice of the Supreme Court) to boil down American law to something law students could learn during a television commercial.
There are many forms of manners to be learned, which is why thorough child-rearing takes as long as it does. And even beyond the forms, one needs practice to acquire the judgment to know how they apply in different contexts. If Miss Manners indeed could compress it all, she would have written two bumper stickers and a T-shirt, instead of all those volumes and columns.
She is confident, however, because of the interest and alertness you show, that you will be able to compress the time necessary to master it.
That may be done by reading not only etiquette books but also novels and plays in which you can see the symbolism of social behavior and how different ways of doing things affect people, and by observing the good and bad examples you will find all around you.
Miss Manners is pleased that she immediately can give you reasons for assuming the poise and self-confidence you desire.
One is that many of your generation suffer from the same handicap of their parents` well-meaning naivete, so that your interest in pleasing people will have an immediate and dramatic effect, in contrast to the flounderings of others.
Another is that practically everyone is preoccupied by his or her own behavior, judging that of others only as it affects the self.
Focusing your interest on other people, while you temper your behavior according to how you wish them to judge you, will quickly get you a reputation for charm, even before you have acquired the specific manners to go with it.
Dear Miss Manners-Would you comment, please, on the appropriateness of people inquiring if one has plans for a specific time, before stating what they have in mind for you to do during that time?
At least three times recently I have been put on the spot with ”What are you going to be doing on Friday?” (a request for my help on a fund-raising project), ”What are you doing tomorrow?” (a request for a ride to a nearby community without an explanation of why the ride was needed) and ”Are you going to be doing anything tomorrow afternoon?” (a request for me to baby-sit).
I am willing to be of service to others whenever possible, but I don`t like to be maneuvered into a position where I can`t refuse without looking like a selfish clod.
On the other hand, if I take precautions by saying that I have other plans (even if those plans merely are to stay home and read a good book), I may miss an opportunity to do something that I`d really enjoy.
Gentle Reader-It is highly inappropriate to attempt to see into another person`s datebook without disclosing why, and Miss Manners would be happy to repeat that such inquiries are rude.
But wouldn`t you like to know from her how to protect yourself when it happens?
The answer to ”Are you doing anything?” or ”What are you doing?” at a specific time is always ”Oh, dear, I have so much I ought to be doing.” This should force a disclosure of the offer, but if it doesn`t, you may add: ”Why? What are you doing?”
If the reply is ”I was hoping you`d help me paint my kitchen,” you can say, ”Oh, drat, I`d love to, but I just can`t spare the time.”
If it is ”I was hoping to take you to dinner at that new restaurant everyone`s talking about,” you still can reply: ”That sounds wonderful. I`ll just have to work harder later, that`s all.”
Dear Miss Manners-My husband and I recently have moved to Toronto and plan to live here for several years. We are, however, United States citizens and intend to remain so.
We have attended several official functions where the Canadian anthem is played. We know we should stand with everyone else, but should we sing along or remain silent?
Gentle Reader-Standing symbolizes respect, which you want to demonstrate. Singing demonstrates allegiance, which you do not want to demonstrate to any country but your own.
The crucial difficulty for most Americans arises when they wish to do both for our national anthem and cannot remember the words or carry the tune. ———-
Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of The Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.
