Shopping for Father`s Day gifts is easy if the recipients are in the armed forces or are veterans. These are the kind of intense men whose homes invariably feature an ”I love me room”-the den with walls and shelves adorned with plaques, photographs and souvenirs of military exploits.
These dads will always welcome a couple more reminders of the unique joys and dangers of military service. Thankfully, America`s peace-loving artisans and tailors are filling this need with a wide selection of tasteful gifts.
Let`s start with the basics-clothing, for example. Spare Dad the boring regimental-striped tie. For the perfect commando touch down at the office, get the veteran dad a set of camouflage suspenders from a clothier just outside the Marine base at Quantico, Va.
For casual wear, really hard-core dads will love any of the T-shirts available from a memorabilia outfit in Colorado. My favorite is the black Army Special Forces T-shirt; it features a human skull wearing the Special Forces` signature beret, a couple of crossed arrows behind it and some sort of toilet seat-shaped object in the background. Under this poignant heraldry is the bold yet subtle motto, ”Special Forces, living by chance, loving by choice, killing by profession.”
For those hot summer afternoons, every military dad can use a baseball cap. A New Mexico company will sell you what looks like an ordinary cap embossed with an Army, Navy, Marine Corps or Air Force logo. But when Dad squeezes the brim, he`ll find these caps play a tune. The Air Force cap, for example, plays ”Off We Go into the Wild Blue Yonder.” A high-tech steal at $11.95.
For cooling off, the boy in every gung-ho dad will go for the ”Wet `n`
Wild” Uzi squirt gun. This black-plastic replica of the real submachine gun is battery-powered and squirts an amazing 250 shots a minute. You can`t miss the ad, featuring a bathing beauty in a playful duel with a delighted young swain. The text promises ”motorized, pulsating jet-stream action.”
The Florida toy company that sells these is offering a special: only $49.95 for the Uzi squirt gun, a pistol version of same and a larger rifle.
”Buy a full set so you and your friends are always armed for some serious fun,” the company urges.
For couch potatoes, there`s plenty of opportunity for vicarious excitement through mail-order videotapes. Dads in the military`s pilot fraternity will take special delight in watching ”Top Guns: The Real Story.” Forget the PGA golf tour (about as exciting as watching paint dry), this videotape of Fightertown, U.S.A., offers a full hour of ”gut-wrenching cockpit footage” set to a ”surging musical score.”
At the other extreme from the couch potatoes are those dads, usually from the infantry, who adore guns and pride themselves on their do-it-yourself skills. From a gun accessory firm in Arizona you can order a kit that Dad can use to creatively modify his ho-hum 12-gauge shotgun into something called an ”entry weapon.” The complete kit features a flashlight sighting system, an 8-shot magazine that will come in handy dealing with threatening deer at close quarters, and two pistol grips to replace the handguard and stock.
”Yes, the gun is still legal with 18-inch barrel,” the company assures.
No skill, just money, is needed to buy the Navy dad an aircraft carrier-shaped coffee table. The 60-inch resin-coated table, available from a specialty outfit in Virginia, comes in custom-crafted mahogany or oak. It features the hull number embossed on the flight deck (for example, 66 for carrier ”America”), brass inlaid catapult tracks and tiny landing-area lights that actually work. Price? If you have to ask, save up while Dad`s on his next cruise.
For carving steaks at backyard barbecues this summer, dads just back from a Central America tour will appreciate the contra commemorative knife for only $75, available from a cutlery maker in North Carolina. Patterned after the Marine Corps` famous K-bar, each contra knife comes with the blade inscribed in Spanish with the words, ”We are with you.” Get six for a complete set.
Some dads who wear the uniform also collect coins. They might appreciate the Ollie North commemorative, avaiable from the same Colorado supplier of high-fashion T-shirts. The face of this $35 silver medallion presents Ollie in full dress-green uniform; the reverse shows two clenched fists breaking a chain of shackles. Maybe they`re Ollie`s-sort of a metaphor for his burdensome legal bills.
But, then, all these goodies are a metaphor for the trivialization of the military. The sacrifices of fatherhood, or service to country, are sometimes rewarded with heaps of schlock.
